I like London. There are usually two ends to this illuminating spectrum. The raffish at one and the uber sophisticate at the other. Suffice to say, Colin and I formed a coterie that sat comfortably with the latter. Seamlessly we blended with the social mores of NW and EC1. Barely concealing our provincial credentials with an A to Z Handy map, we set out to " burn some shoe leather " (c) Robert Craven. As I gingerly exited Chalk Farm tube, a quick call to Col revealed his position to be the Salvation Army cafe. Anticipating a painfully a la mode coffee lounge with a trusty oak and leather combo, imagine my surprise as the warm brick exterior belied the rudimentary interior. Tea for two and a yoghurt encased cereal bar for 2 English pounds ! This isn't London. This is Utopia.
Crackling with ideas and spewing out the odd invigorating torrent of thought, we set our course for some upscale estate agents. In this postcode, they don't do proletariat. As Aussie Col performed his elevator pitch to the townhouse alumni, I window shopped, wrestling with the impossible sounding mortgage multiples. One would-be-buyer stood chatting to an agent who could clearly smell something numbered and Swiss. Eavesdropping, I felt like Sarah Beeny minus the perennial pregnancy bump. By now, the beautiful people of these monied boroughs will have seen our video and it will be the talk of the town.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
London town. A Wonkana kind of town.
Head back here on Monday for more on The Smoke.
Friday 27 June 2008
Thursday 26 June 2008
Packed lunch, Credit Crunch
No one could have imagined the raw, unbridled power wielded by a hastily prepared sarnie. That sorry looking bread palette of hues; bedraggled gem lettuce atop some grizzled charcuterie. It doesn't seem possible. The answer to these economically challenging times it seems, lies within the humble Tupperware box. Snack your way out of the credit crunch with a home made packed lunch. Belts are tightened, budgets are curtailed and Prudence is no longer just the name of the posh girl at the end of the street. As four in five shoppers are said to be buying more own labels than before, increasing swathes of hard-pressed workers are turning to the sandwich.
It's back to basics.
John Major may well feel vindicated, although the wanton economising of the "man in the street" isn't exactly on a par with doinking your cabinet underling. Egg sandwich anyone?
A well heeled panini or some upwardly mobile soup in a basket is no longer an option. Pass the margarine.
Tomorrow, news on the official Wonkana day out in London.
For an equally leftfield look at life, visit http://www.wonkanaproductions.com
It's back to basics.
John Major may well feel vindicated, although the wanton economising of the "man in the street" isn't exactly on a par with doinking your cabinet underling. Egg sandwich anyone?
A well heeled panini or some upwardly mobile soup in a basket is no longer an option. Pass the margarine.
Tomorrow, news on the official Wonkana day out in London.
For an equally leftfield look at life, visit http://www.wonkanaproductions.com
Wednesday 25 June 2008
A tiptoe around the Crypto
The cryptogram may be the stuff of derring do and buckles being swashed a la Da Vinci Code ( Personally, I've always yearned for Da Finchy Code, in which the slack jawed Chris Finch drops some serious Sarf (sic) London patois innit? ). Even in the most intricate Dan Brown plot, I had never heard of cryptosporidium. No, I haven't got verbal diarrhea, but the real thing is a distinct possibility if I down a tumbler of Northamptonshire tap water.
A podcast would never give you cryptospowhatsit. It would be a thing of joy forever. I digress. My cup runneth over with a nasty little bug that's found its way into the domestic supply. Don't talk to me about MRSA, Avian flu or Clostridium Difficile. Il est tres difficile, Monsieur.
This microscopic swine has infiltrated our house like some Trojan nag that didn't have to knock. It just rode in on the coat tails of Adam's Ale. The wretched and time consuming need to boil could run and run. Suppose it's preferable to the runs.
It's off to London tomorrow to see our friends in the music industry. Yes, those ineffable kings of strum. Wonkana is pitching another brand new format. Patience, dear boy; you'll hear it soon enough. Do have a nose around our site in the meantime
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
And with a due nod to Sir Jerry of Springershire, my final thought :
Cryptosporidium is present in human faeces.
Hands up who took a shit in the reservoir?
A podcast would never give you cryptospowhatsit. It would be a thing of joy forever. I digress. My cup runneth over with a nasty little bug that's found its way into the domestic supply. Don't talk to me about MRSA, Avian flu or Clostridium Difficile. Il est tres difficile, Monsieur.
This microscopic swine has infiltrated our house like some Trojan nag that didn't have to knock. It just rode in on the coat tails of Adam's Ale. The wretched and time consuming need to boil could run and run. Suppose it's preferable to the runs.
It's off to London tomorrow to see our friends in the music industry. Yes, those ineffable kings of strum. Wonkana is pitching another brand new format. Patience, dear boy; you'll hear it soon enough. Do have a nose around our site in the meantime
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
And with a due nod to Sir Jerry of Springershire, my final thought :
Cryptosporidium is present in human faeces.
Hands up who took a shit in the reservoir?
Tuesday 24 June 2008
Star jumps and The Goombay Dance Band
I thought I felt a pang. I was wrong. Not composing a blog yesterday held no regrets. After all, your first wedding anniversary shouldn't really yield to online mutterings, twitterings and assorted yabberings that find their way onto the smorgasbord of the web. A daily blog is a commitment only outdone by the slightly weightier undertaking of marriage. The self flagellation stops here.
Today brought a disc full of highbrow business academia sent to Wonkana HQ by Cumbrian alumnus and all round real ale quaffer Mr Steph. Knee deep in research and paperwork for his Open University M.A, the Lad from the Lakes saw fit to fire 101 keen minded questions at me to test my new business mettle. He even used terms like "core business" and "exit strategies". Or at least he may have done. In my pursuit of one upmanship, it could have been me. The words "market segmentation" may even have crossed my lips. I put it down to my competitive streak. Losing is no good to man nor beast. In truth, the blame lies with middle school tennis coaching. If ever there was a pretender to the McEnroe behavioural throne it was me.
I am serious.
After a bout of business-ese was duly traded, I enquired after the state of Mr Steph's workplace. My grasp of his precise role within the Japanese car manufacturer may be described as nebulous. He works with CAD, I think. A fulsome job description if ever there was one.
Wanted : person to work with CAD and err other stuff.
Notwithstanding the gaps in my knowledge of his day to day professional life, I asked whether kaisen or any other pan Asian sytem of working had been parachuted in, to use the de rigeur phraseology.
What he told me shook Japanese efficiency to the core. Or at least my take on it.
Every morning at a set time, a track by the Goombay Dance Band wafts over the company public address system, presumably to imbue the workers with a sense of purpose and joie de vivre. Either that or foul and murderous intent.The Goombay Dance Band?!
As an irritant, that's got to be up there with dust mites, sulphuric acid and James Blunt. Anyone who doesn't have the decency to stick with their bona fide family name of Blount only brings ridicule on themselves. The connotation and rhyming potential of Blunt plays straight into the comedic hands of any self respecting satirist, whereas Blount gives off an almost Chaucerian air.
Full Blount he was, as it were a mede; al ful of fryshe flours whyte and redde.
It seems like he's learned to live with it. Perhaps there's a company sanatorium handily located with ample parking and friendly, helpful nursing staff. It's all a sliding scale; Mr Steph did look very uneasy when I explained that an acquaintance was made to perform star jumps at one internet banking call centre as penance for failures in procedure. It may be spelt "Egg", but it's pronounced "humiliation". The strains of the Goombay Dance Band - perhaps it was what Maslow was thinking when he theorised on self actualisation. There I go again. Blame the tennis. I promise there's none here
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
And besides, as the juvenile joke always had it, "abstince makes the fart go Honda".
Today brought a disc full of highbrow business academia sent to Wonkana HQ by Cumbrian alumnus and all round real ale quaffer Mr Steph. Knee deep in research and paperwork for his Open University M.A, the Lad from the Lakes saw fit to fire 101 keen minded questions at me to test my new business mettle. He even used terms like "core business" and "exit strategies". Or at least he may have done. In my pursuit of one upmanship, it could have been me. The words "market segmentation" may even have crossed my lips. I put it down to my competitive streak. Losing is no good to man nor beast. In truth, the blame lies with middle school tennis coaching. If ever there was a pretender to the McEnroe behavioural throne it was me.
I am serious.
After a bout of business-ese was duly traded, I enquired after the state of Mr Steph's workplace. My grasp of his precise role within the Japanese car manufacturer may be described as nebulous. He works with CAD, I think. A fulsome job description if ever there was one.
Wanted : person to work with CAD and err other stuff.
Notwithstanding the gaps in my knowledge of his day to day professional life, I asked whether kaisen or any other pan Asian sytem of working had been parachuted in, to use the de rigeur phraseology.
What he told me shook Japanese efficiency to the core. Or at least my take on it.
Every morning at a set time, a track by the Goombay Dance Band wafts over the company public address system, presumably to imbue the workers with a sense of purpose and joie de vivre. Either that or foul and murderous intent.The Goombay Dance Band?!
As an irritant, that's got to be up there with dust mites, sulphuric acid and James Blunt. Anyone who doesn't have the decency to stick with their bona fide family name of Blount only brings ridicule on themselves. The connotation and rhyming potential of Blunt plays straight into the comedic hands of any self respecting satirist, whereas Blount gives off an almost Chaucerian air.
Full Blount he was, as it were a mede; al ful of fryshe flours whyte and redde.
It seems like he's learned to live with it. Perhaps there's a company sanatorium handily located with ample parking and friendly, helpful nursing staff. It's all a sliding scale; Mr Steph did look very uneasy when I explained that an acquaintance was made to perform star jumps at one internet banking call centre as penance for failures in procedure. It may be spelt "Egg", but it's pronounced "humiliation". The strains of the Goombay Dance Band - perhaps it was what Maslow was thinking when he theorised on self actualisation. There I go again. Blame the tennis. I promise there's none here
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
And besides, as the juvenile joke always had it, "abstince makes the fart go Honda".
Friday 20 June 2008
Googality and Frugality
This search engine optimisation gubbins is a minefield. So much so that I half expect a bunch of paps to be merrily snapping Heather Mills sporting a protective visor next to a Google search box. Meta Tags this, keywords that, back links the other. It's all designed to mystify and exasperate. Thanks to the superfluous function of Google Hot Trends, I know that some rising-through-the-ranks stand up comedian is the third most popular search term. Bet he says "fuck" a lot. Of course, there's always Google AdWords...."Google AdWords; monetizing grammar since 2007 to fund our virtual reality canteen, if you don't mind."
Unfortunately, this isn't the face of someone who'd spend an inordinate amount of Wonkana moulah bidding for combinations of words that some chump might just type in and then click on our site.Nothing is free these days, not even words. Who'll show me £35 for anti disestablishmentarianism ? Sold to the gentleman holding the word "gullible" aloft.
It's an in exacting science, this SEO lark. And let's face it, there's nothing very in exacting about science. It makes about as much sense as Thomas steadfastly refusing to have doubts and Judas demonstrating great acts of loyalty. I am an AdWord heretic.
Little wonder, given one "expert" told me you should never bid for the most popular word(s) but target number 3 or 4 on the list. It's designed to baffle. And it's powered by Google. When it comes to riding high in the search results (and much to a web designer's chagrin) you're ever so slightly in the lap of the Gods.
"Google could have just changed their algorithm", I heard one Venture Capitalist explain to an enraptured symposium. Can we actually be certain there was ever such an algorithm in the first place? (Who's to say it wasn't long division or numerical solutions of Equations and Interpolation?)
They'll tell you anything, these technorati. If you Googled "Google algorithm" would it even be on the first page? The sensible money says you'll stumble across the two words in a completely unrelated context on page 17 of the results, just below "amoeba masturbationcam".
I.T. is a bluffer's trade if you ask me. Always dealing in the abstract, never the concrete; that's the way they like it. It keeps them comfortable. Leading you up the proverbial garden path with unresolvable statements, answers that sound like questions and muttering the on screen prompts under their breath to sound proficient.
" What's the Google Algorithm? " you should ask some time, just to throw a spanner in the works. Or a Google bot in the Meta Whatsit. See our stuff at this address
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
Beats paying.
Unfortunately, this isn't the face of someone who'd spend an inordinate amount of Wonkana moulah bidding for combinations of words that some chump might just type in and then click on our site.Nothing is free these days, not even words. Who'll show me £35 for anti disestablishmentarianism ? Sold to the gentleman holding the word "gullible" aloft.
It's an in exacting science, this SEO lark. And let's face it, there's nothing very in exacting about science. It makes about as much sense as Thomas steadfastly refusing to have doubts and Judas demonstrating great acts of loyalty. I am an AdWord heretic.
Little wonder, given one "expert" told me you should never bid for the most popular word(s) but target number 3 or 4 on the list. It's designed to baffle. And it's powered by Google. When it comes to riding high in the search results (and much to a web designer's chagrin) you're ever so slightly in the lap of the Gods.
"Google could have just changed their algorithm", I heard one Venture Capitalist explain to an enraptured symposium. Can we actually be certain there was ever such an algorithm in the first place? (Who's to say it wasn't long division or numerical solutions of Equations and Interpolation?)
They'll tell you anything, these technorati. If you Googled "Google algorithm" would it even be on the first page? The sensible money says you'll stumble across the two words in a completely unrelated context on page 17 of the results, just below "amoeba masturbationcam".
I.T. is a bluffer's trade if you ask me. Always dealing in the abstract, never the concrete; that's the way they like it. It keeps them comfortable. Leading you up the proverbial garden path with unresolvable statements, answers that sound like questions and muttering the on screen prompts under their breath to sound proficient.
" What's the Google Algorithm? " you should ask some time, just to throw a spanner in the works. Or a Google bot in the Meta Whatsit. See our stuff at this address
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
Beats paying.
Thursday 19 June 2008
Mid-Week Mania
A madness grips the country. I call it collective stupidity. It's my personal theory which explains how otherwise able and astute individuals lose all their wit when acting within a larger community or society. Now I know what you're thinking, Dr Persaud. It's speech marks or a timely civil action. Quotation or litigation. Do tarry awhile before you deploy that trusty copy and paste. The stupidity to which I allude is demonstrated effectively and prosaically in the scripts of " Waiting for Death ", the Wonkana Productions podcast comedy series. How can something this good be free, you ask.And well you might.
So what's wrong with society? A surfeit of the keenest minds, glittering alumni and an ostentation of consultants are powerless to prevent the unique brand of stupid that has become the hallmark of 21st century Britain.
Just what has provoked my ire so acutely? A little known newspaper not five miles from one of our pod casting bunkers tells of a Waterstones store that will be "policed" by a cardboard cut out copper.P.C. Nick Stephens explains :
" Research has shown that shoplifting is reduced.......he (cut out) will be on guard 24 hours and won't take a tea break ! " The side splitting humour in that quote clearly an acrid smokescreen for the soul destroying buffoonery of the concept. I think I speak for most right minded taxpayers when expressing a desire for 3, not 2 dimensional officers on the beat. Yet again, another own goal in the net of stupidity.
For equally pointed comment on society, its foibles and sketches as sharp as a cutlass, go here
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
So what's wrong with society? A surfeit of the keenest minds, glittering alumni and an ostentation of consultants are powerless to prevent the unique brand of stupid that has become the hallmark of 21st century Britain.
Just what has provoked my ire so acutely? A little known newspaper not five miles from one of our pod casting bunkers tells of a Waterstones store that will be "policed" by a cardboard cut out copper.P.C. Nick Stephens explains :
" Research has shown that shoplifting is reduced.......he (cut out) will be on guard 24 hours and won't take a tea break ! " The side splitting humour in that quote clearly an acrid smokescreen for the soul destroying buffoonery of the concept. I think I speak for most right minded taxpayers when expressing a desire for 3, not 2 dimensional officers on the beat. Yet again, another own goal in the net of stupidity.
For equally pointed comment on society, its foibles and sketches as sharp as a cutlass, go here
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
Wednesday 18 June 2008
From the sublime......
Yesterday was a veritable pot pourri of sales encounters. In particular, two experiences that were about as close as Arctic and Antarctic. The first involved a lavish country venue, seat of extravagant weddings and Sealed Knot re enactments. The second is a hotbed of musical talent and latent celebrity illuminati. I'd put a call in to the former, so we could punt our wedding podcast.
" Claire's out to lunch ", exclaimed the receptionist, " could I be of help ? "
Never one to let a sales lead go cold, I told her that yes, she could be of help and explained who we were and what our wedding podcast was. There was a silence. It was long.
" I'm sorry......I don't understand", she countered, stonewalling my spiel with talk of a PowerPoint presentation they give to prospective wedding clients. My frustration was palpable by this point. After much clamouring for alternative explanations, the penny finally fell into the chasm.
All a very great distance from the way my email to a certain artist liaison company was received. Yes of course they'd like to meet us and naturally they'd like to discuss pod casting. It's what we do.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
" Claire's out to lunch ", exclaimed the receptionist, " could I be of help ? "
Never one to let a sales lead go cold, I told her that yes, she could be of help and explained who we were and what our wedding podcast was. There was a silence. It was long.
" I'm sorry......I don't understand", she countered, stonewalling my spiel with talk of a PowerPoint presentation they give to prospective wedding clients. My frustration was palpable by this point. After much clamouring for alternative explanations, the penny finally fell into the chasm.
All a very great distance from the way my email to a certain artist liaison company was received. Yes of course they'd like to meet us and naturally they'd like to discuss pod casting. It's what we do.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
Tuesday 17 June 2008
E-fail
Sending bank statements to the company accountant. Easy. Or so you would have thought. My pc and I are largely simpatico when it comes to the rudiments of sending. Dear old outlook put in some sterling work when Wonkana sent out its monthly newsletter. By the by, if you could use a copy, dot the i's and cross the t's here and I'll make sure one reaches you.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php
My expectations of our email were somewhat dented when it came to attaching scanned documents and asking the not entirely unreasonable task of emailing them. Outlook's coping mechanisms looked decidedly battered as I pressed the "send" button and decamped to the kitchen in order to kill the inevitable passage of time. After making some tea, walking the dog (that ones for you, Col!), dismantling the house brick-by-brick, rebuilding it and still having time for a trip to Victorian England in the time machine I'd had time to build, still the antagonistic green bar was only two thirds full. This email wasn't leaving Wonkana Production HQ. Given the complete absence of alacrity by Microsoft, our server and the incorrect alingment of ley lines between here and North Somerset I remained remarkably even handed. No profanities passed these lips. You see it's all part of our mission statement as deft exponents of podcasting; the air is never blue, only green. So in place of the f word, the c word, the w word or any natty combination of all three, I let rip with a litany of calming and eco friendly vocabulary.
"Oh offset carbon footprint" I cried, as a repeated pressing of "send/receive" proved as futile as the last. I even opened up my BT yahoo email, which proved about as useful as a MENSA test in an audience of Jeremy Kyle guests. I'd even consider a conversation with our web/IT guy, but think how he'd feel if I dissected Osbourne's use of pusillanimous and phlegmatic in " Look back in anger " to him using polysyllabic and exotic words. Best if his patois on peripherals and my limited understanding on matters IT retain their separation. Blogging I can do, just don't ask me to send large attachments. And no, that isn't spam speak for free Viagra.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php
My expectations of our email were somewhat dented when it came to attaching scanned documents and asking the not entirely unreasonable task of emailing them. Outlook's coping mechanisms looked decidedly battered as I pressed the "send" button and decamped to the kitchen in order to kill the inevitable passage of time. After making some tea, walking the dog (that ones for you, Col!), dismantling the house brick-by-brick, rebuilding it and still having time for a trip to Victorian England in the time machine I'd had time to build, still the antagonistic green bar was only two thirds full. This email wasn't leaving Wonkana Production HQ. Given the complete absence of alacrity by Microsoft, our server and the incorrect alingment of ley lines between here and North Somerset I remained remarkably even handed. No profanities passed these lips. You see it's all part of our mission statement as deft exponents of podcasting; the air is never blue, only green. So in place of the f word, the c word, the w word or any natty combination of all three, I let rip with a litany of calming and eco friendly vocabulary.
"Oh offset carbon footprint" I cried, as a repeated pressing of "send/receive" proved as futile as the last. I even opened up my BT yahoo email, which proved about as useful as a MENSA test in an audience of Jeremy Kyle guests. I'd even consider a conversation with our web/IT guy, but think how he'd feel if I dissected Osbourne's use of pusillanimous and phlegmatic in " Look back in anger " to him using polysyllabic and exotic words. Best if his patois on peripherals and my limited understanding on matters IT retain their separation. Blogging I can do, just don't ask me to send large attachments. And no, that isn't spam speak for free Viagra.
Monday 16 June 2008
Hanging out to dry
The weekend is a foreign country. I do different things there. Re stringing a rotary clothes line for one. George Benson may believe that children are our future, but I believe even the sharpest minds of the epoch would err and stutter over the intricacies of this puzzling task. What is taut at the beginning of the exercise is flaccid again soon enough (yak yak!). It is a mystery to put even Curie or Fleming to the intellectual sword.
Moving as I do in the most sophisticated of chattering classes, the other part of the weekend was spent raising a canalside glass to a former colleague now in the pay of Avon Fire and Rescue. Now there's an organisation ripe for the podcasting. Engaging with communities and selling the prevention message :
Fire bad, diversity good.
Think of podcasting as the 21st century counterpart of smoke signals. As more of us become eco aware, hug trees and harvest our own superskunk, the message of environmental responsibility makes podcasting the new medium of choice. What better way to underscore the horrors of arson than to hear from a reformed arsonist, intercut with powerful and moving memories from those who have lived to tell the tale.
Dramatic stories recounted in the most eloquent and gritty way. All produced by Wonkana Productions. Of course.
Find the good chaps at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com
Moving as I do in the most sophisticated of chattering classes, the other part of the weekend was spent raising a canalside glass to a former colleague now in the pay of Avon Fire and Rescue. Now there's an organisation ripe for the podcasting. Engaging with communities and selling the prevention message :
Fire bad, diversity good.
Think of podcasting as the 21st century counterpart of smoke signals. As more of us become eco aware, hug trees and harvest our own superskunk, the message of environmental responsibility makes podcasting the new medium of choice. What better way to underscore the horrors of arson than to hear from a reformed arsonist, intercut with powerful and moving memories from those who have lived to tell the tale.
Dramatic stories recounted in the most eloquent and gritty way. All produced by Wonkana Productions. Of course.
Find the good chaps at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com
Friday 13 June 2008
I now pronounce you salesman and wife
I've never envied sales people. Whether it's the preposterous facade of the car sales exec who disappears upstairs for 10 minutes "to really try for you....I'm going to get the best price for your car", or the white socks brigade of those high street electrical retailers who accost you before you're barely over the threshold.
Nobody will ever sing " hi diddledy dee, a salesman's life for me ".
As a business in the frugal throes of year one, we can ill afford to lavish good currency on retained sales staff let alone a company car and assorted perks. We need what one businessman called "lovers". Lovers of what we do. Those who've really latched onto podcasting, what it can do for a client and that we always deliver a tip top service. Then when they've done that, signed a particularly girthsome order and concientiously licked our shoes to a high polish, they can have a commission cheque. They can be an odd breed, existing between the shadows of targets and regular one to ones. Ah one to ones - the last refuge of the scumbag. A slow and deliberate applying of the thumbscrews to an otherwise affable individual, who dares to carry a business card adorned with "media sales executive". It might as well say " I interfere with animals".
Now I don't claim to be a salesman, but selling is what you have to do in those early and intoxicating days of a new business. As the venerable Mr Sharkey of the Pokercast declared "you have to be able to take no as an answer."
I honestly wouldn't mind the occasional "no", even something more surly would suffice. Anything rather than message non grata. The email that goes unacknowledged. Those who have heard our stuff want to talk. And well they might! Believe me, I'm not selling useless crap. This perfectly illustrates my point
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
It's a bit good. And that's only one of our products. Give us a fair shot and we could be mutually beneficial.
Nobody will ever sing " hi diddledy dee, a salesman's life for me ".
As a business in the frugal throes of year one, we can ill afford to lavish good currency on retained sales staff let alone a company car and assorted perks. We need what one businessman called "lovers". Lovers of what we do. Those who've really latched onto podcasting, what it can do for a client and that we always deliver a tip top service. Then when they've done that, signed a particularly girthsome order and concientiously licked our shoes to a high polish, they can have a commission cheque. They can be an odd breed, existing between the shadows of targets and regular one to ones. Ah one to ones - the last refuge of the scumbag. A slow and deliberate applying of the thumbscrews to an otherwise affable individual, who dares to carry a business card adorned with "media sales executive". It might as well say " I interfere with animals".
Now I don't claim to be a salesman, but selling is what you have to do in those early and intoxicating days of a new business. As the venerable Mr Sharkey of the Pokercast declared "you have to be able to take no as an answer."
I honestly wouldn't mind the occasional "no", even something more surly would suffice. Anything rather than message non grata. The email that goes unacknowledged. Those who have heard our stuff want to talk. And well they might! Believe me, I'm not selling useless crap. This perfectly illustrates my point
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
It's a bit good. And that's only one of our products. Give us a fair shot and we could be mutually beneficial.
Thursday 12 June 2008
A careers job
Credit is a welcome concept, but mercifully this type of credit isn't subject to the forces of oscillating money markets and is unlikely to discombobulate before you can say, err "discombobulate". This is praise. Credit where credit's due. Never mind the crunch, feel the bite.
Yesterday I learned that one humongous - sized organisation who have heard our careers podcast demo expressed their admiration for the concept and its execution.
They're only human.
I say we're on to a winning formula, but this is where I draw a line in the sand and shut my cake hole. Blogs have ears. Careless talk and all that. If Wonkana Productions isn't dominating the world of business podcasts within the next 12 months, I will personally perform a fowl and inappropriate act on a diseased warthog. Working on the basis that it's good to receive, but even better to give ( and I've definitely moved away from the warthog now ) I must heap praise and general largesse on my business partner Colin a.k.a. Aussie Col on the pokercast.
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The careers podcast was ostensibly Col's idea and it's such a work of concise creativity that you'd never know his spirit had so nearly been decimated by 5 years plus of " we love (insert local landmark here) " jingle making with scripts sent to him by those who've clearly had their imaginative faculties surgically removed. Colin certainly knows his stuff. And before you go dashing off to Wikipedia, general largesse was a leading military figure in the Franco Prussian war. (Citation needed)
Yesterday I learned that one humongous - sized organisation who have heard our careers podcast demo expressed their admiration for the concept and its execution.
They're only human.
I say we're on to a winning formula, but this is where I draw a line in the sand and shut my cake hole. Blogs have ears. Careless talk and all that. If Wonkana Productions isn't dominating the world of business podcasts within the next 12 months, I will personally perform a fowl and inappropriate act on a diseased warthog. Working on the basis that it's good to receive, but even better to give ( and I've definitely moved away from the warthog now ) I must heap praise and general largesse on my business partner Colin a.k.a. Aussie Col on the pokercast.
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The careers podcast was ostensibly Col's idea and it's such a work of concise creativity that you'd never know his spirit had so nearly been decimated by 5 years plus of " we love (insert local landmark here) " jingle making with scripts sent to him by those who've clearly had their imaginative faculties surgically removed. Colin certainly knows his stuff. And before you go dashing off to Wikipedia, general largesse was a leading military figure in the Franco Prussian war. (Citation needed)
Wednesday 11 June 2008
Some guys have all the luck
No, today's title isn't designed to pay homage to the late exponent of soulful ballads Robert Palmer or leopard print king Rod Stewart ( although with the legsome Penny Lancaster in tow, Rodders has clearly had his fair share of the stuff! ). I'm referring to a chap with one or two aces up his sleeve, along with some other fortuitous cards.
Ladies and Gentleman, Mr Michael Greco.
Yes, the croak-voiced romeo from Eastenders, Beppe di Marco. The Pokercast with Littlewoodspoker.com, the trusted name in gaming, say those in the know has just secured an interview with this cool-handed thesp. Michael is one of a raft of actors who has been lured by the draw (groan) of poker. He's good too. Having been mentored by "Mad" Marty Wilson, Greco went on to appear in the 2005 Poker Million, World Speed Poker Open (that's playing with alacrity, not the illicit substance) and the European Poker Tour in Dublin.
It would seem oppotune at this point to paste in a timely link thus :
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The Pokercast is monthly, free to subscribe to and on top of all things poker. That most assiduous of sports writers, Peter Sharkey along with Aussie Col trains his gaming cross hairs on tournaments, features, poker news, facts, interviews and the odd promotion or two.
Listen out for Michael and how he scooped £100,000 following the climax of the 3rd round of the Grosvenor Poker Tour in Cardiff and why acting is a solid training ground for the art of the false tell. It's a Wonkana production and far be it from us to be immodest, it's rather good.
Ladies and Gentleman, Mr Michael Greco.
Yes, the croak-voiced romeo from Eastenders, Beppe di Marco. The Pokercast with Littlewoodspoker.com, the trusted name in gaming, say those in the know has just secured an interview with this cool-handed thesp. Michael is one of a raft of actors who has been lured by the draw (groan) of poker. He's good too. Having been mentored by "Mad" Marty Wilson, Greco went on to appear in the 2005 Poker Million, World Speed Poker Open (that's playing with alacrity, not the illicit substance) and the European Poker Tour in Dublin.
It would seem oppotune at this point to paste in a timely link thus :
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The Pokercast is monthly, free to subscribe to and on top of all things poker. That most assiduous of sports writers, Peter Sharkey along with Aussie Col trains his gaming cross hairs on tournaments, features, poker news, facts, interviews and the odd promotion or two.
Listen out for Michael and how he scooped £100,000 following the climax of the 3rd round of the Grosvenor Poker Tour in Cardiff and why acting is a solid training ground for the art of the false tell. It's a Wonkana production and far be it from us to be immodest, it's rather good.
Tuesday 10 June 2008
Home working
It was only when I subjected myself to a segment of the Ken Bruce show on BBC Radio 2 that I stumbled across what can only be described as a pandemic of working-from-home gags. It's a laugh isn't it - that noise you make when you think something's funny.
I shouldn't be so churlish; perhaps Ken and his merry band of listeners have a point. Perhaps the target of their pithy wit is well deserving. Maybe I should take it lying down ( on the comfortable looking and freshly made bed that's so close to my desk - touche ! )
This podcasting lark does mean I spend an inordinate amout of time at my pc. In fact, I feel worse for the dog now than I did when I was 200 miles away and unable to take her out at the drop of a hat. She's only downstairs. In all truth, I'm probably deluding myself that she's comforted and stimulated by my presence only being a flight of stairs away. The reality is far more unforgiving; she wants a walk now!
The Business Plan set by our mentor Harry yesterday is virtually completed. When I say "virtually", I mean in the traditional sense of the word and not that I've been writing it as an avatar in a non existent computer generated world. Good old fashioned slog, that's what's called for. Pen to paper and fingers to keyboard. It's all there - Executive Summary, Marketing Strategy and Proposed next visit to the kettle. Ken Bruce, we salute you!
I shouldn't be so churlish; perhaps Ken and his merry band of listeners have a point. Perhaps the target of their pithy wit is well deserving. Maybe I should take it lying down ( on the comfortable looking and freshly made bed that's so close to my desk - touche ! )
This podcasting lark does mean I spend an inordinate amout of time at my pc. In fact, I feel worse for the dog now than I did when I was 200 miles away and unable to take her out at the drop of a hat. She's only downstairs. In all truth, I'm probably deluding myself that she's comforted and stimulated by my presence only being a flight of stairs away. The reality is far more unforgiving; she wants a walk now!
The Business Plan set by our mentor Harry yesterday is virtually completed. When I say "virtually", I mean in the traditional sense of the word and not that I've been writing it as an avatar in a non existent computer generated world. Good old fashioned slog, that's what's called for. Pen to paper and fingers to keyboard. It's all there - Executive Summary, Marketing Strategy and Proposed next visit to the kettle. Ken Bruce, we salute you!
Monday 9 June 2008
Back to school
You'd hardly consider Wellingborough to be a hub of trade and high finance. However, this morning's drive to the Innovation Centre turned that rather blinkered view on it's head. The industrious fellows at UCN's Enterprise Club have paired Wonkana with a business mentor.
Harry Brice , who has a hand in both the organisation of Kenyan safaris and security in the construction industry rattled off the merits of the business plan. Temptation ( as I recounted to Harry ) exists at every turn to overlook said plan and to formulate one in your own noggin or scribble nebulous notes on a lumious post-it.
No such slackness here.
Wonkana's been tasked with producing a business plan within a fortnight. That's my homework. In truth, I half expected Harry to shove some A4 under my nose and dictate an essay title containing the words "austerity", "garb" and "Coriolanus". Gladly for me, our mentor won't be uttering the time honoured words "pens down" until two weeks have passed. I finish with a note to self :
Never listen to podcasts you know can't come up to the standards of your own. No good will ever come of it.
Harry Brice , who has a hand in both the organisation of Kenyan safaris and security in the construction industry rattled off the merits of the business plan. Temptation ( as I recounted to Harry ) exists at every turn to overlook said plan and to formulate one in your own noggin or scribble nebulous notes on a lumious post-it.
No such slackness here.
Wonkana's been tasked with producing a business plan within a fortnight. That's my homework. In truth, I half expected Harry to shove some A4 under my nose and dictate an essay title containing the words "austerity", "garb" and "Coriolanus". Gladly for me, our mentor won't be uttering the time honoured words "pens down" until two weeks have passed. I finish with a note to self :
Never listen to podcasts you know can't come up to the standards of your own. No good will ever come of it.
Friday 6 June 2008
Hold the mayo
The tepid morning meeting was followed up with a delegation to the pub. Not to drown our sorrows, but to catch up with a renowned Metro journalist who is set to be the voice of a new Wonkana podcast. As a print journo, she'd spoken fluidly and eloquently on the radio (unlike the majority of alleged presenters) and set me thinking as to her potential for new and innovative podcast possibilities. Before you could say "PCSOs are no more than lost shoppers and an outrageously false economy", my business partner Colin had whipped up a compelling format on a subject close to her writing muse; health. Already armed with experience and nous in food writing, our new podcast presenter carries the ideal credentials to make this new concept work.
Unlike the food at the pub.
The landlord of the hostelry in question is affable enough and on the money when it comes to snappy service.
15 minutes later, the two paninis and curly fries had been despatched to our table before you could say " can I have a VAT receipt, please ". Lucie had already eaten. No doubt her canteen sandwich will be dressed down in a future edition of Metro. That said, it can't have surpassed my "cheese melt" for its sheer back-of-the-throat-clogging quality. The sous chef was clearly a soused chef and had run amok with the mayonnaise. If I had liberated this insipid creation into the street, havoc would have surely ensued from the inevitable mayo slick. Whole armies could have been vanquished with a mere wave of this sesame seed topped aberration and it's reprehensible viscosity. Two words you certainly won't hear together when we launch the health podcast.
Unlike the food at the pub.
The landlord of the hostelry in question is affable enough and on the money when it comes to snappy service.
15 minutes later, the two paninis and curly fries had been despatched to our table before you could say " can I have a VAT receipt, please ". Lucie had already eaten. No doubt her canteen sandwich will be dressed down in a future edition of Metro. That said, it can't have surpassed my "cheese melt" for its sheer back-of-the-throat-clogging quality. The sous chef was clearly a soused chef and had run amok with the mayonnaise. If I had liberated this insipid creation into the street, havoc would have surely ensued from the inevitable mayo slick. Whole armies could have been vanquished with a mere wave of this sesame seed topped aberration and it's reprehensible viscosity. Two words you certainly won't hear together when we launch the health podcast.
Thursday 5 June 2008
Marketing Blues
I was reminded today of some sage advice from Robert Craven, who Richard Branson refers to as "the entrepreneur's entrepreneur" and how businesses ought to react ( can you detect the yearning tone? Good.) when all around them belts are being tightened, budgets are being squeezed and the consumer wants "owt for nowt". The words still resound as strongly as that day in Spike Island amongst the melee of the Bristol Enterprise Network."When your competitors are slashing their marketing budgets, don't be tempted to do the same." The intrinsic value of good quality and innovative communcation cannot be ignored. Of course, as Co Director of Wonkana Productions and with both feet in the pod and vodcasting camps, I am duty bound to say that, but the moment you stop putting your message out there, you start to lose. Mr Craven ( no relation to John, or Beverley for that matter ) also underscored the importance of "burning the shoe leather" i.e. the value of actually going out and meeting people, articulating the passion you possess for your product and looking them in the eye and asking for the business. Wonkana has long since recovered from its collywobbles over price - we're not embarrassed to show our rates ( if you'll show us yours !! ) but the credit crunch aka "times are challenging" only brings a new sales objection to be surmounted. As any businessman or woman worth their dividends knows, some clients resist more than others and want to see you jump through those fiery hoops. Here at Wonkana, our podcasts and vodcasts are of unsurpassed quality and when we come to visit you, be sure of one thing : resistance is fertile.
Wednesday 4 June 2008
Mad Dogs and Vodcasters
Like any self respecting business, our enterprising digits are in some delicious and productive pies. One of clients, www.satnavvoices.co.uk have commissioned us to produce a range of new celebrity sound a like voices. Colin, my erstwhile co Director, or "Aussie Col" as he's labelled on the Littlewoods Pokercast does the most jaw dropping Krusty the Clown. This is one clown you won't mind taking directions from! Believe you me, Col's mastery of this Simpsons stalwart will even compel you to go on highly unnecessary and lengthy drives just to hear those comedy "k's". It won't be long before you can download Krusty, Chris Tarrant, Alan Partridge, David Bekham, Terry Wogan, Lloyd Grossman from those nice people at satnav voices. And while we're on the subject, gratuitous congratulations to Mark P.It was whilst road testing the Tarrant voice on my Tom Tom that I was led in a Wonkana accountant direction. Having duly arrived at my destination and being told by Mr Tarrant that I had "won £32,000", I sauntered through the gates of those "refreshingly different accountants", Chartax. If any company ever lived up to it's strap line, it's Nick and Sue. Where else would a territorial dalmation snarl at you in a vaguely unwelcoming fashion before being hauled off by a chartered accountant? It's different and Sue's frothy coffee was certainly refreshing.I won't trouble you with the financial minutae of the bourgening entity that is Wonkana Productions, suffice to say that podcasting and vodcasting is our middle name. Sure, it's akward and time consuming when booking a restaurant table, but we'll suffer for our art.
Everything crossed for our pitch meeting tomorrow; we've a new video format just finished and it makes YouTube look like a collection of sci fi geeks with camcorders.
Wonkana's the name - pod and vodcasting's the game.
Everything crossed for our pitch meeting tomorrow; we've a new video format just finished and it makes YouTube look like a collection of sci fi geeks with camcorders.
Wonkana's the name - pod and vodcasting's the game.
Tuesday 3 June 2008
Let the podcasting begin !
Hi and welcome to the first edition of our regular blog,which will only supercede that usb fan for sheer functionality. A quick word about us for the uninitiated. Firstly, as leaders in audio and video podcasting, we needed a name to convey how creative, focused and semi Australian we are. " Wonkana ", for those who haven't made a bee line for their google search, is an Aboriginal word which means " Happy Hunting Ground "; which my fellow director Colin (who is Australian) and I thought perfectly summed up our aspirations to hunt down new clients, operate in an environmentally sustainable way and have a kickabout with a ball fashioned from possum hide ( okay, so the last one was poetic licence ).
In the last few months, our collaboration with Peter Sharkey, writer and journalist of some considerable repute has brought more Wonkana success with the Littlewoods Pokercast. It's a monthly audio podcast which homes in on the bourgening world of poker in all its glorious forms. There's star interviews, features, poker news and facts and some rather impressive production, even if we do say so ourselves !
Tell a friend they can find it at http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
More rather pleasant news from Podcastshire - this time Vodcasting. As ever, the development of new formats is something we're particularly keen on and have now brought a talented video producer on board to expand our range of services. For those who need a hiatus from the superpoking charms of Facebook, here's another link to distract you from the mundanities of the social networking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
What can I possibly say that you haven't already gathered for yourself ? Broadcast quality at non broadcast prices !
At present, an army of Wonkana writers and producers are locked down in the studio, producing a brand new podcast format for the health conscious, more of which next time. How fetching they look in the regulation orange boiler suits and leg irons. Enough of this frivolity; you need to get back to work and I must return to the serious business of podcasting for business. Did I mention that it's the emerging medium ? Thought so.
In the last few months, our collaboration with Peter Sharkey, writer and journalist of some considerable repute has brought more Wonkana success with the Littlewoods Pokercast. It's a monthly audio podcast which homes in on the bourgening world of poker in all its glorious forms. There's star interviews, features, poker news and facts and some rather impressive production, even if we do say so ourselves !
Tell a friend they can find it at http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
More rather pleasant news from Podcastshire - this time Vodcasting. As ever, the development of new formats is something we're particularly keen on and have now brought a talented video producer on board to expand our range of services. For those who need a hiatus from the superpoking charms of Facebook, here's another link to distract you from the mundanities of the social networking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
What can I possibly say that you haven't already gathered for yourself ? Broadcast quality at non broadcast prices !
At present, an army of Wonkana writers and producers are locked down in the studio, producing a brand new podcast format for the health conscious, more of which next time. How fetching they look in the regulation orange boiler suits and leg irons. Enough of this frivolity; you need to get back to work and I must return to the serious business of podcasting for business. Did I mention that it's the emerging medium ? Thought so.
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