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Create web video, but PLEASE not like this.

Ill conceived. Muddled. Detrimental. And that's me being kind. If I read one more blog or Twitter tip that glibly says you should "enhance your web presence with video-and it doesn't have to cost a thing", I may spit. Of course it costs. You may not have to spend tens of thousands of pounds on a lavish production which explores the outer reaches of Final Cut Pros capabilities but why would you want to make your company look rubbish? It makes no sense to buy into this amorphous and nonsensical rot that "all you need is a phone with a camera; even a webcam will do". NO IT WON'T DO. No more than you would sign off a piece of business artwork which resembled a dying spider crawling across the page.
The people spouting this unhelpful drivel always "film" themselves in a cluttered and untidy room with half a grubby curtain in shot, replete with tinny sound and woeful shot composition.
I don't know of any walk of professional life where "that will do" is a commendable ethos or something to strive for especially not when it comes to the image of your business. I don't care if you're a one man band life coach or a national organisation, you do not give you web designer £500-£2,000 and then make your own crappy video. Unless you want to be a laughing stock. Yes it's great that so much effective technology is reaching a much wider market but sometimes, you need someone with skill, experience and insight. I would no more expect the CEO of Barclays to pick up a mobile phone and shoot his corporate video than I would visit the local oncology unit and start administering chemotherapy with no background in it whatsoever.

The Dark fab 5

Swing low, sweet poker face

Hurtling as we are towards another weekend, let's begin with a piece of jingoism as unreserved as it is unapologetic. England is proud. Well at least it is if you like your balls elliptical. The French were positively downcast at Rugby HQ and a modicum of national pride has been restored.

Now Ray Smith of Hatton Lane in Greenbank may not have seen off fifteen sweating men built like external lavatory facilities, but the hitherto considerable cachet of North Wales and the North West rests squarely on Ray’s shoulders. National recognition awaits this valiant regional poker champion after his decisive victory in the regional finals. It’s all down to the small matter of a straight face and playing his cards right.

At the end of this month, Ray will be up against it in the televised tournament, if only for frankly bizarre choice of hosts. Who could have possibly arrived at the idea of pairing deadpan former snooker supremo Jimmy “Whirlwind” White with dead-behind-the-eyes nurse cum glamour model cum alleged celebrity Abi Titmuss? This has to be down there with the all time greats of preposterous and spatchcock double acts headlined by the train wreck that was Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood.

If Ray wins, Hartford Hall will go down in the annals of poker folklore as it all began there for the 51 year old amateur. Playing for points on a sunday night two years ago, he claims his success is a mixture of luck and skill, two elements that so eluded the French at Twickenham last weekend. And we didn’t relish the afternoon of unadulterated schadenfreude. Much.

Wonkana - the best videos in the west

This is a bit of stop press that makes us hugely proud of our ever growing business. Having quickly achieved a reputation for the most creative and visually stunning videos, Wonkana Productions has been commissioned to film the prestigious poker tournament taking place at the end of March in London's Grosvenor Victoria Casino. Tony Cascarino, Michael Greco and Peter Sharkey under the watchful Wonkana eye. More details at http://www.littlewoodspoker.com

You need The Wealth Team

Wealth Team Tease Version 2

Shiny new Wonkana video

Wonkana's unbridled success

There's much to crow about in Wonkana podcasting circles. The new media chattering classes are agog at how we've taken a previously un commercial format and made it work for business. The BBC and some of their mass media bedfellows latched onto the podcast with an almost dilatory air. It was almost perfunctory. Nothing so reckless from the nattily dressed chaps at Wonkana Productions.
Without exception, we have broken ground in this medium and stimulated interest previously unseen. Of course, a good deal of our strategy is about cutting through the plethora of marketing white noise that permeates much of 21st century society. To create something different, listenable, watchable and unforgettable is our key aim.
Even more satisfying is when you pick up a client who shares your vision, enthusiasm and sense of humour. Lloyd Richards, owner of LPR Mortgage Services is positioning himself as not just another mortgage broker, but someone champions the cause of the consumer. I think the spirit of that has been captured succinctly in The Real Mortgage Show, an audio podcast that is available on iTunes and on the home page of Lloyd's website at http://www.lprmortgages.co.uk

It's not about the hard sell, it's conveying personality, insight and trust. 550 downloads and rising says the podcast reigns.

Mind my canapes

You know when you've truly arrived on the business networking scene when the Dean of a University's Business School invites you to a full blown lecture, finger buffet and all.
My company has been formally requested. I shall tread the oaken portals of the William Shapland Lecture Theatre and take my place for the sagacious words of Simon Denny. All hail the inaugural lecture of the Professor of Entrepreneurship! Between delicate bites on a mini chicken satay skewer, I will keenly absorb the austere and enlightening content : " Engagement through Enterprise - The Northampton Model". As a county we've been known for myriad things; shoes, Gian Sammarco (Adrian Mole), Bauhaus, Marc Warren (Hustle and pretty much everything else on tv), Andrew Collins, John Clare and Wonkana Productions. I'm sure the etiquette and manners displayed this evening will be delightful and I'm brushing up my polite small talk as we speak. Have you worked here long? Oh I work for a podcast production company; here's my card...........

SatNav Frivolity

Wrong turnings. HGVs and low bridges. The creation of rat runs. Think of a satellite navigation system and not all of your perception will be flattering. Poor old SatNav slipped further down the rung of salubriousness when it was revealed Gloucestershire Constabulary were handing out dusters so as to wipe away any evidence of your Tom Tom's existence. Or Garmin. Or Sony. I forget the rest. Quarter lights were mullered, glove compartments were fingered and even NHS ambulances were raided. It was fast becoming the must-not-have accessory of the 21st Century. Not only was the mapping outdated, but the default pre-loaded voices were well, frankly, pedestrian. "Jane" was informative enough bordering on the alluring but "Brian" was dull and monotonous and the same "voice artist" behind the alleged Aussie voice "Steve". The market for celebrity and sound alike voices on your SatNav was crying out for some creative input.
Cue the guys at SatNav voices who in turn cued the chaps at Wonkana Productions. I for one have already squandered 15 years plus deploying my Lloyd Grossman, Chris Tarrant and a cast of tens on local radio. And Aussie Col's Krusty the Klown is epoch making. Like the diligent performers we are, Col and I painstakingly read the 2 page script for directions in our best impressionist voices and some of the results are filtering through to SatNav voices. Let's face it, i-spy is lame, The Little Mermaid on headrest dvd for the 15th time is stultifying and even rubber necking that 7 car pile up fails to deliver on the comedy front. Thank the high priest of satnav for these guys
http://www.satnavvoices.com/index.php?pg=2&sec=3&vid=51

10 Good Reasons X Thousand

I'm almost ashamed to admit it was Jason Donovan who said " you give me one good reason to leave me - I'll give you ten good reasons to stay ". Yes, his powers of persuasion may have been up there with Kofi Annan for sheer fluidity, but it didn't stop the accompanying album "10 Good Reasons" being shit-on-a-stick. What Jase lacked back in the innocent, heady days of the '80s was a podcast. Had he employed the considerable powers of this instrument of new media, his paramour would not only have stayed, but she'd have been loyal, continued to buy and recommended the said Antipodean vocalist to all and sundry. We may not have the boyish good looks of Mr Donovan in his pomp ( we do have more on top than he presently enjoys ) but we have 10,000 reasons to use our podcasting services.
The intuitive and pioneering fellows over at the Bristol Enterprise Network were one of our first audio podcasts and they could see the inherent value in the "stickiness" it creates to a website, the authority it lends to your area of business expertise and why having professionals produce it is the only way you get maximum effect. So where do I get this glorious figure of from? I'm sure you know me well enough by now to realise I'm not some marketing johnny come lately who dashes the internet and exhibitions with some ludicrously unjustifiable claim like "Increase your sales by 2,000 per cent". And yes, I do have a flyer for someone asserting just that. What I can say however is that the Entrepreneurs Question Time Event put on by the Bristol Enterprise Network has been downloaded 10,000 times.
Just think how many of those listeners weren't previously aware of B.E.Ns work and how many will join and attend events as a result. For podcasts that work, engage people and yield results come see us.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

Today Europe, tomorrow The World

So here we are, some 20 odd episodes down the track and that august institution The People's World Podcast Awards is crying out for some Waiting for Death action http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php . And well they might. My ineffable colleague and WFD creator Colin McGinness has slaved over many a hot ISDN and toiled relentlessly at his Pro Tools to realise his comedy vision. A disparate band of voice overs and presenters, weary of their strapline existence were ready to throw off their shackles and get political, subservice and rude! It was and still is the only professionally produced sketch comedy in a podcast only format. No BBC might lurking behind every script and no sprawling commercial entity providing a vast pool of funds. Just creativity, dedication and goodwill. Already it's caught the eye of our European cousins and we're happy to take your votes in the name of democracy and err vanity. Of course, we don't just want to be in the competition, we want to win it. I know that makes us sound like Andy Murray, but trust me when I say we don't share the unruly curls or stroppy demeanour.

This is how it works :

Visit the site http://www.worldpodcastawards.com/

In Podcast Name put Waiting for Death.
In Podcast URL put http://www.blastpodcast.com/viewpodcast.html?id=572

Nominations form 40 per cent of the process. Isn't it time you showed us some love?

Get working Networking

The more breakfast networking events we attend as Wonkana Productions, the more dynamism I uncover in fellow businesses. Somebody clearly forgot to tell ITV News, the BBC and the Chancellor that we're not all slipping into a lachrymose catatonia. Freshly laid gravel crunched as Aussie Col and I wound our way up to the scholastic portals of the Sunley Management Centre at the University of Northampton. Today was BNI day. Yes, I'm gradually working my way through a pantheon of initials and acronyms. First came the Enterprise Club, or the EC as I like to call it. They probably don't; who'd want to be the EC other than the EC?! Quite.
Then it was the BRX, BMB, The BC of Northampton and this morning the auspicious corridors of the BNI Sixfields Chapter. The well conceived formatics of such a meeting mirror the conventions of the BRX with referral slips, 60 second introductions and a hot British Isles breakfast. I think someone at BNI has upped the anti on the introductions front; they project a minute timer onto a screen and at precisely 60 seconds in it flashes "TIME UP!". Tempus Fugit as we say when us networkers are extemporising. What to leave out? Should I drop that gag as a crowd pleaser? All these intoxicating conundrums must be resolved on a foundation of fried bread, bacon, sausage and the usual accoutrement's. Some hearty fayre to set these ebullient businesses up for the day, washed down with a cup of optimism. There was no shortage of good humoured banter, with established members voicing each other's strap lines in their finest accapella. Already we have enquiries, meetings and points of contact. We have interest. Which is more than can be said for Gordon, Alistair and his motley band of fiscal reprobates. BNI for Prime Minister I say.

Casting, casting - RETV

One of the services we provide at Wonkana is TV presenting and Real Estate TV, the property channel has asked me to try out for a new role which is being filmed at the London Stock Exchange. Part of the casting requires some self written spiel about buyer's tips, emerging markets and the like - this is a rough draft of mine.

“ Buy low, sell high “; that’s the nuts and bolts, the meat and drink of property development. Well, buying low is certainly possible in the current climate as many developers weep into their gilt edged portfolios. However, the present situation may yet prove to be advantageous and you could find yourself a tidy profit before Deborah Meaden can say “ I’m out ! “. This is the one occasion it’s okay to use the C word on television. Consolidation. Maximise that 200 grand end terrace your procured at auction by working smarter. So, before you go wild in the dolphin bathroom aisles, think about recycling. Think about the car boot sale. Yes, it’s worth leaping from your stinking pit first thing on a Sunday to pick up some cut price fixtures and fittings. And what’s more, you’re being greener than Graham Greene working for the Green Party whilst listening to Green Day. Those Ikea prints and Mira electric shower (still boxed) are yours for 15 quid and you’ve ticked the recycling box…..we’ll conveniently overlook the booter’s standard issue plastic bag.
As a potential buyer of course, you do need to be switched on and clued up. Has the place been kitted out in state-of-the-art gadgets that might look good but frankly fail to add any real value to the house? After all, it’s a home first and foremost – a roof over your head, so is the intelligent lighting and wireless music system necessary or is it just so they can slap another 10 grand on the asking price? If the property is over the odds now, the picture won’t be much better when you come to sell. Going back to the eco friendly theme may be the answer – environmentally sound additions to your home might just make it a more attractive proposition….”A” rated white goods, solar panels, good insulation and cavity wall treatment. Not forgetting those energy saving light bulbs – yes, I know they take eons to come on, but this is the planet we’re talking about !
Education, education, education is arguably as important as Location, location, location. All parents know the importance of a good catchment area. But don’t just rely on league tables and Ofsted reports – these may be a useful guide, but nothing beats talking to other parents. Find out what makes the school tick – is it really the right choice for your child? It may claim to be the best school in Christendom on paper, but if it doesn’t live up to that, have you bought in the right area?
So where are the emerging markets? The Floridian holiday home for the terminally retired has been and gone, the former Eastern Bloc is a firm favourite and timeshare is…well, timeshare. If it’s reconstruction you want to be in on, you could do worse than Iraq and Afghanistan. It is possible to pick up an en suite cave for not much money. On a serious note, developers have identified the humble student as a gap in the market. Bespoke, hard wearing flats can be let out year after year, as the student is now a far more discerning breed. Not for then a run down 3 bed mid terrace with regulation pot noodle and daytime tv. The win is centralized, modern and functional student apartments. Make sure you do your homework though – wi fi and quick broadband will be a must. As more and more school leavers are encouraged into higher education, the need for accommodation naturally increases and your bottom line looks increasingly healthy.

Unashamed Plugging

Wonkana Productions creates Podcasts of the highest standards.
Professional scriptwriting.
Voice over artists.
High end production values.

Our desire is to create a new marketing tool for your business
that adds depth and clarity to what you do.
No matter what your business, we will help advise and produce a quality podcast that sets your business apart from all the rest.

Our approach is to give you control of this powerful new advertising and promotional solution.
You’ll have a presentation that’s not just for your website,
but free to use on your phone systems or in-store where appropriate. You can use your podcast however you want.
You can even sell advertising in your presentation.

It's entirely up to you.

Think beyond the print ads in the paper and the rushed
30 second commercials on radio.
Now is the time to tell the world about your business, with the quality and integrity it deserves.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

The devil's in the detail

The title of today's prosaic meanderings came to me as a result of a meeting. This was, however, no ordinary meeting. As any self respecting new business ( and some older ones ) will know all too well, you will not get to see the CEO of the company you are pitching too. Certainly not on the first tryst. Unless you're fortunate enough to have met them at a "networking opportunity". Now I know that term conjures up images up lukewarm bacon sandwiches in Godawful hotels (c) Robert Craven or even "coffee, a piss and fag" as one less than effective radio manager puts it. Not so at the Enterprise Club at the University of Northampton. David Thomson, CEO of Best Deal Insurance had just given a presentation titled "Close that Sale". No suprise then that half the room wanted to combine a handshake with their business card a la Alan Partridge. Happily, I didn't give a paper cut to anyone from Nestle or any other confectioners. What did happen was a fortuitous and cordial chat with David, a self made businessman who embodies drive and a "can do" spirit. One conversation with him is like sipping on neat adrenaline. So meet we did in the impressive Best Deal HQ and pick over the power of podcasting. I was even made a cup of tea. By the CEO. Why shouldn't you go straight to the top? What's stopping you? You've got the organisation where the decision making and purse strings lie. For the best deals in insurance, I've no doubt it's Best Deal Insurance. For smart, compelling and professional podcasting, it's http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

Shiny new episode

Aussie Col is pictured at the recent littlewoodspoker.com tournament pondering whether it is prudent to play some WFD sketches to Michael Greco.

Still looking for all your continued support with downloads and votes for our filthy little show.

Vote for Waiting For Death here:

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/professional/type/player/uid/748/podid/748.html


BRAND NEW SUPER EXPANDED SPECIAL EPISODE AVAILABLE NOW

Syke News finally gets it's own show. A full length special edition and now officially our longest episode to date.Join our team as we give you the news behind the news.
What's Russia up to?
Is Naomi Campbell litigious?
Whatever happened to that Maddie girl?
Can John-Paul save your sex life?
And what's with this 2012 apocalypse malarkey?
For the answers to all these questions, plus the latest from the Beijing Olympics, it's time to get Newsed. And no one will news you harder than Syke News.


DOWNLOAD IT ON ITUNES NOW, OR LISTEN ONLINE AT:

http://wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

There's the door

Now and again you encounter the "closed mind" culture. It's usually found 'neath the shallow cover of the "my door is always open" culture.
I too have been employed by blinkered organisations who are threatened by ideas and opinions which emanate from non managerial quarters. You become accustomed to that sense of foreboding which means not only has your card been marked, but dipped in one coat-vandal proof-irremovable Hammerite. You could run the organisation better than they do. Incidentally, I make no apology for using the language of the polemicist. It's you and them.
A company with any semblance of gumption will actively harness the insight of intuitive and progressive staff. Not this one; the head of department feels undermined by every upstart fibre of your insolent being. You want the best for the business and the best for you?
If you don't like it, leave.
Is it actually possible in this day and age people are still being told that?
Well, not only is it happening, the threats industry is positively burgeoning. Invariably, weak senior management will draft in ( and I'm sorry for using the C word ) a consultant. I'm genuinely saddened by the interlopers, brigands and con men passing themselves off as consultants. Their oleaginous modus operandi is to window dress the message with gentle and encouraging words like "team", "collective" and "cohesion". If you're really lucky, they may even call upon the unbridled power of the flip chart and place a triangle inside a circle.
I'm afraid all the euphemisms in the handbook couldn't prevent one fat-headed fellow from showing his true colours to one particularly hard-pressed set of underpaid individuals.
" We're a team with a common purpose ", he told them, preferring the all encompassing "team" as he could never bring himself to shake the hand of anyone sub board level.
" And if anyone doesn't like their job; get up and leave now. " Quite a guy eh?
A room may be an inanimate space, but I think even it squirmed. Brick dust was seen to cascade. It's remarkable what sparks off a blog topic; one of the forthcoming episodes of Waiting For Death http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
deals beautifully with the foibles of the workplace.
And if you don't like it, you know where the door is.

A new arrival

Colin was rightly proud of his new telescopic stand and cradle.
Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't the depraved opening salvo in a John Paul sketch for Waiting for Death, the comedy podcast extravaganza. However, this newest of additions to the Wonkana family can only enhance the rich tapestry of comedy in our World Podcast Award nominated series. We have a new studio microphone for our facility in Bristol. Its custodian, Aussie Col, can barely contain his ever widening grin. The mic arguably sits at the top of the production tree and this particular one, to use technical speak, is the "mutt's nuts". Yesterday was spent voicing a veritable cornucopia of new material for WFD; from a movie trailer pastiche to innumerable John Paul vignettes of utter filth. As a veteran of assorted studios ( and slipping surreptitiously into my anorak ), I must confess that the main Wonkana studio microphone is superior to any that I have encountered over the years. Never known for our false modesty, we are a podcast production company at the top of our game and this purchase is the icing on the cake. Or the mic on the stand.