Copy and Paste? Don't mind if I do!

We always like to think big at Wonkana. It began with a nomination at the World Podcast Awards for our continuing comedy series
" Waiting for Death ". Now the production crosshairs are trained on our European brethrens. Those learned fellows at the
European Podcast Awards have given us a nod in the Professional category. It's like being called "Sir" by the concierge in some ostentatious hotel; you savour the moment to the full. Unless you're a woman. Then you sue.
And here's you thinking Europe was synonymous with red tape, the clanking anachronism of excessive health and safety and Peter Mandelson's snout in the unfathomed depths of an EC trough. From Eurosceptic to Europhile quicker than you can say
" You're listening to 6 Music and the winner of the ipod is James in Hammersmith, who isn't really my producer "
Have a gander at our entry here :

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/professional/type/player/uid/748/podid/748.html

I should warn you there is some language. Mainly English.

Almost time to exit podcast left and of course we hope your business is in a strong position during these testing times; clients nicely ringfenced and an efficient website strong on retention. Get in touch with Wonkana and we will make it even more robust with an audio or video podcast as endorsed by those scholarly chaps at the Bristol Enterprise Network

" We used Wonkana Productions to produce audio podcasts for some of our Bristol Enterprise Network Events. They were of excellent quality and have enabled us to reach a far wider audience than we would otherwise get to the venue on a particular evening. The team at Wonkana were very professional, friendly and easy to work with. " - the words of Enterprise Manager Paul Harrod.

How about joining the ranks of Matt ( Montage Communications ), Dev ( The PR People ) and numerous others by signing up to our Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Northampton-United-Kingdom/Podcast-Production/18000074766?ref=ts

Call me old fashioned

Who do we "thank".....Jung, Freud, Kerry Katona ? Society has become fixated with once private detail. Whether it's a house being sold by lesbians or what kind of anti depressant some ubiquitous celebrity is on. For the perennially curious, Ms Katona favours an acuphase salad on a bed of seroxat.
As a child of the '70s, I wasn't especially aware of any Victorian overtones to my generation. Our Dads were always better than the next and there was, of course, the inevitable comparison of Grifter and Chopper. Beyond that,it seemed to me people largely kept their private life, well - private. I'm not just thinking of seamy boudoir practices here, although Dave Allen would have brushed his trouser leg with some disquiet had he been privy to the shenanigans of a certain Mr Brand. Nothing is sacred. For any self respecting messy-haired sex addict, the devil's in the detail. Lay it all bare, hold the mystique and peg out your dirty laundry for some easy press coverage and capacious book sales.
My coping mechanisms have become largely de sensitised to this exhibitionism and self publicising nonsense, yet I insist on the re reinstatement of one former taboo. Money. I never fail to be shaken by the brazen bragging which centres around salaries. My colleague was recently subjected to an unsolicited boast of a friend's new radio contract.
"50 thousand a year", she declared without a trace of self awareness or dignity.
In this era of globalisation, company turnovers, profit, share prices and other financial minutiae are inevitable, but the personal stuff - keep it personal. I don't want your coarse, vulgar and avaricious preening.

European Glory

No, not the Champions League, the Six Nations or just any pan European competion; this is for the Rolls Royce of podcasts and Waiting for Death has just been nominated. I've dropped in their FAQ for you to learn more and the link for voting follows.

European Podcast Award FAQ

Who is allowed to participate?Every audio - podcast that is equipped with a functioning RSS-Feed and does not infringe or violate any copyrights of third parties can be proposed for the Award.

Who is allowed to propose podcasts?Any producer or listener of podcasts can make as many online proposals as he or she wishes.

How will podcasts be proposed for the Award?All necessary particulars concerning the podcast are registered on the “Propose Podcast” page. The Award editorial department will examine all entries and activate the Podcast online for appraisal. This will be carried out as quickly as possible. There is no legal claim that the proposal shall be published for online rating and evaluation in the portal of the Award. The editorial department shall reserve the right to refuse participation for reasons of content or for formal and legal reasons.

How will the podcasts be evaluated?All nominated podcasts can be evaluated and rated online on the “Vote and Win” page. Finally a jury of specialists will award the prizes for the podcasts, taking the online ratings into account.

How long will the Award last ?Proposals for the award will be accepted and nominations will be possible until 15. 09. 08 . All award winners will be determined and notified by the middle of Oktober 08.

What is there to be won?The national and European winners will receive official notification and will also receive their awards publicly, if possible. They will receive valuable material prizes (audio-recording devices / software). Prizes will also be drawn among the visitors to the portal, who have proposed and / or rated podcasts.

How can I promote my podcast for the Award?The “Promote the Award” page presents tips and tools, enabling Award-Podcasts to be evaluated and rated online via email or by means of integration in homepages (e.g. in MySpace) simply and rapidly also outside the portal

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/index.php?id=12&L=1&podid=748&no_cache=1&tx_ddpodcast_pi1[art]=vote

A new arrival

Colin was rightly proud of his new telescopic stand and cradle.
Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't the depraved opening salvo in a John Paul sketch for Waiting for Death, the comedy podcast extravaganza. However, this newest of additions to the Wonkana family can only enhance the rich tapestry of comedy in our World Podcast Award nominated series. We have a new studio microphone for our facility in Bristol. Its custodian, Aussie Col, can barely contain his ever widening grin. The mic arguably sits at the top of the production tree and this particular one, to use technical speak, is the "mutt's nuts". Yesterday was spent voicing a veritable cornucopia of new material for WFD; from a movie trailer pastiche to innumerable John Paul vignettes of utter filth. As a veteran of assorted studios ( and slipping surreptitiously into my anorak ), I must confess that the main Wonkana studio microphone is superior to any that I have encountered over the years. Never known for our false modesty, we are a podcast production company at the top of our game and this purchase is the icing on the cake. Or the mic on the stand.

Let him go.....We will not let him go

War and Comedy are, it's fair to say, two largely irreconcilable ideas. Never the most simpatico of bedfellows, the pair rarely collide. Until yesterday. In the hostile and unforgiving terrain of Afghanistan, British special forces killed a senior Taliban commander. The name of this terrorist troglodyte? Bismullah. All this time, the insurgency force around Helmand have been slavishly following a man named after a bunch of Queen lyrics. He doubtless won Afghan hearts and minds with the impassioned plea :
" I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me "
How they fell to their knees and gave old Bishy their unwavering loyalty.
On this occasion however, the well trained cross hairs of the SAS couldn't spare him a life from this monstrosity. He was brown bread.
Beezlebub may well have put a devil aside for you, my old mucker, but it was elite servicemen who had a bullet with your name on.
There is of course a bucket load of tomfoolery at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

p.s. The blog takes just over a weeks rest as of now - come back on 28th July.

Exaggerate, me ?

Much as I loathe hyperbole, it has infected me. My affliction became apparent during the weekend after a chat with two aficionados of marketing, a subject not normally known for its linguistic restraint. Aussie Col was playing genial host to Lou and Pete of Secret Agent Marketing. Part of me hankers after a spot of work with them, if only because I'd have the right to be "Agent John" on their website, kingpin of international espionage and market segmentation. It's glamour personified. Rich in images of deep cover, reconnaissance and covert surveillance missions. Agent John - yes, I'll have a piece of that thank you very much.
There I go again. Exaggeration. It's rife. The "brilliant" Ronaldo, "genius" comic Alan Carr and the talented Jade Goody. Surely irony is permissible?
Lou's opinion is that you only heap superlatives on your company when a breadth of clients are able to validate your claims as The Best. I struggle to stay so restrained; must be my commercial radio upbringing. Everything's best, better, more, greatest and each song is surely the most wonderful known to man. My mission, handed down by the Secret Agents is to desist from the hyperbolic and stick to the facts. Perhaps they're double agents for Trading Standards.

Ich bin so geil

Reality is often funnier than fiction, although certainly not in the case of our World Podcast Award nominated comedy series " Waiting for Death " http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
That said, the colourful practices of F1 supremo Max Moseley come a close second ( a notion he's more than accustomed to, as the paddle leaves its telltale impression ). Playing out to knowing nods and the occasional behind hand snigger, the Camp Commandant had one thing right. German lends itself particularly well to those rumbustious pursuits. Its gruff diphthongs and harsh construction have "adult entertainment" sprayed all over them, you dirty slut. All the timely gags in the punishment chamber about "racing stripes" or "pole position" fail to eclipse the comedic value of throaty Deutsch as the soundtrack to Herr Moseley's correction. I'm always reminded of an amusing 'zine from my formative Upper school years. No doubt bound in a discarded Tesco carrier, this particular publication featured a cell based scene, not unlike that of the motor sport magnate. The "inmate" pleaded with his captor to be "taken through the bars" (nimm mich durch das Gitter). The subject being covered in baked beans only served to heighten the oddness of the vignette. So, Max Moseley, you may be a slap-happy deviant, but you know your linguistics. After all, this wasn't just any S&M, this was Germanic S&M.

Talkin' 'bout a Recession

Two consecutive quarters of negative growth.
That's the generally accepted definition of a recession. There are of course others.

1. Bill Gates going part time at KFC
2. Mooring fees being evaded by Roman Abramovich in Monaco

A slump. A downturn. Call it what you like, but it hasn't happened yet. You could be forgiven for thinking these economic collywobbles are a full blown crisis. The media loves a good crisis. Especially one of its own hyping. ITV News is unquestionably the worst for scaremongering. I'm sure the on screen font for " Job Losses" has doubled in size. Either that, or my TV got smaller.So as we talk ourselves into a financial corner, the super rich are enjoying even more affluent times, collecting fine art and dusting their cornflakes with gold leaf. I read that the richest 1,000 people in Britain are collectively worth £412,000,000,000. Four hundred and twelve billion pounds. It kind of underscores the madness in the world don't you think?

Profane and Inane

It'll never stand up in court. How I did chuckle at the defence of slippery producers for the Jeremy Kyle Show when penalised by Ofcom. The reason, they claimed, why the use of the C word by a guest wasn't bleeped out was due to them not being able to understand him. And here's me thinking incoherence was a pre requisite for this compendium of cro magnon cankers. I said "cankers", M'Lud.

One of the last swearing taboos was uttered by a Scottish contributor, but went to air as programme makers were wrong footed by his strong accent. Ofcom described the word as the most "offensive and abusive" and its use was "unacceptable".

Unbeknown to our Petrus quaffing chums at Ofcom, a c**t appears every day without fail on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Jeremy Kyle.

For more killer punchlines like that, download the World Podcast Award nominated comedy " Waiting for Death " at
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

Pardon my buzzphrase

Retention. It's the word du jour. Well Aussie Col used it. Twice. In my book, that brackets it as a "of the day" in French. Naturelement.
To what kind of retention do I refer? Website retention, my inquisitive friend.
Is it not your one of your key aims to encourage people to come back to your site?
And why has this blog suddenly developed Shakespearean overtones?
Nine changes of the wat'ry star hath been the Shepherd's note since we have left our throne without a burden.
At the risk of creating a superfluous strap line - Wonkana does retention.
The Bristol Enterprise Network, the Littlewoods Pokercast - all these high end, top drawer podcasts are the reason visitors to your website will come back to you. Have a peek at the people we're retaining for :

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/community.php

It's always uplifting to hear a would be client sold on your product before you've even concluded your pitch and that's exactly what happened this morning. One sage individual who couldn't have been any more receptive told me " The podcast will keep people coming back to the site ".
It's like the words were plucked from my own mouth.

Not so super market

It's a creeping disease.

Not having the authority to do anything, save tell you they have "no authority to do anything". As Venus and Serena battled for sibling supremacy ( I can see the movie now.....Sibling Supremacy...."she was a tennis player....and so was she...the goofball comedy of the year, starring Adam Sandler as Venus and Owen Wilson as Serena) Mrs Rose and I ventured out for provisions. A bag of spuds, 4 pack of baked beans, assorted condiments etc etc. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Until I gingerly slid a box of 4 Sol beers into the already groaning basket ( I know, how deliciously Central American of me! ) Not the most outlandish of purchases, until you discover one Sol was missing. The remaining 3 left to mourn the loss of their dear departed cousin. Consigned to the floor in an earlier mishap or the accomodating side pocket of some shopper's cargo pants. Hard to say. All I know is 3 beers should cost less than 4. Frustratingly, not a viewpoint shared by the cashier, who stuck rigidly to rigid company policy. Perhaps it was my disdain that rang the supervisor bell for her. The shuffling and sub sea level knuckles of the supervisor already told a similarly inflexible story.

"Can't do anything about it", she declared, with all the eye contact of the one in Big Brother who can't see.

3 for the price of 4? Doesn't quite have the ring of Buy One Get One Free, although I wish she had.

There's much better offers if you fill in our contact form and order a podcast

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php

Itsa Nicea Price

Price is a curious concept. I'm not talking about price elasticity of demand, contribution pricing or skimming price. I'm referring to the anachronism of price.
It's my own personal theory, up there with Cosby's law of inter-generational perversity for sheer noteworthiness.
Why are businesses screwing each other?
The more you drive down a supplier, the greater their financial hardship. Common sense says that your short term gain (saving) is someone else's pain. Let's look at the catering industry; hardly known for its flexibility on price is it?
Next time you're in Costa Coffee, Starbucks or (insert generic homogenous brand here) , present that £3.75 crayfish and roquette pitta at the till and say :
" Budgets are tight; what can you come down to ? "
An intriguing but risible prospect I'm sure you'll agree. Yet with monotonous regularity, companies are beating down their commercial partners. Advocates who are helping them win new business and conferring greater kudos on that organisation.
Hardly makes sense, does it?
Would a patient undergoing cosmetic surgery haggle with the cost of having her mammary glands bolstered?
" I know it's 4 grand Doctor, but can you do it for 2 and a half ? "
I do wonder how much of this "the client wants it cheaper" is actually credit crunch, or good old fashioned avarice?
For very reasonable prices, point your browser at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

A nice, fat steaming blog

Well I promised you London chapter and verse on Monday, but other desperately important Wonkana paraphernalia took me away from the keyboard. So return I will to our escapade in The Smoke. The original intention was to bombard innumerable PR agencies with our portfolio of podcasting. In the end, Aussie Col and I structured our day around a trip to Primrose Hill. That and the pub. And Pret A Manger. And another pub.
Good old Primmers, that bastion of creativity and refuge of myriad thesps. Sean Bean lives there. And to Boromir a well known phrase, "if it's good enough for Sheffield's most famous son, it's good enough for Wonkana".
The inner sanctum of Hart Media, promoters par excellence, was a Bohemian affair with a strong sense of bonhomie. One of their affable number was taking a quick tea break on the sun drenched terrace, whilst another deftly brewed coffee just to my liking. I know that blogs are often viewed as even more vivid than the dysfunctional merry go round of Kerry Katona's, but I shall exercise restraint and desist from a blow by blow account. This much I will say; the music industry would struggle to find a more genuine figure than Toby at said company. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the contents of a meeting are sacrosanct.
Now, when's that OK centre spread?