The Missing Link

Lay everything bare. That's the way in 2008. Kyle, Katona, Price, Brand, Ross and a homogeneous cast of thousands have all become dramatis personae in the spouting of the trivial and the dysfunctional. There is a time for diplomacy and a time for tact. That time is 4.54pm as I compose this blog entry. The organisation I am about to direct a tirade at shall remain nameless. I would say they know who they are, but I fear they don't. I come away with the distinct impression that not only does their right hand not know what their left hand is doing, the left hand believes its opposite number never existed in the first place. As a business, we have spent the best part of a year meeting various figureheads from this organisation and asking who it would be best to speak to given our line of work and how it will enhance theirs beyond question. Usually it's a "drop me an email and I'll point you in the right direction". Then the email only returns after 2 prompts over a 2 to 3 week period and even then it usually results in the same thing.Nada. Sometimes you'll get a name and a direct number. But they tend to be the wrong person too. It's a shambles. From top to bottom. Side to side. Would you be surprised if I told you public money pays for this organisation? Thought not.

Baby P

The question has been replaced by a statement. "Has the world gone mad?" treads amongst the extraneous. Regard the photograph of female prisoners in HMP Holloway at the "Monsters Ball" and I defy you not to feel the same. There was certainly life in the lifers' wing that day. If only the same could be said for their diabolically persecuted son. A Halloween party for murderers. Think of a party and thoughts turn to celebration, love and reward. How cruelly Baby P was denied of all these. Unquestioning and shameless are the authorities whose twisted thought process equates fancy dress and cake with these embodiments of gratuitous and merciless violence. If Dostoevsky had lived now, his epoch capturing work would have been re titled "Crime and Understanding". Inalienable human rights without any responsibility. How is it allowed to happen? Who thinks "let's throw these nice people a pagan themed bash"? And why are they still in a job? A life without consequence. A life term without punishment.
The world has gone mad.

Barack Obama didn't get there first

I'd had enough of playing Robbie Williams and George Benson. The time for a change had come. I'd been thinking it long before Barack Obama said it out loud. Yes, there'd been some compensations in being a radio presenter; the interviews it had allowed me to do. Sir Ian McKellen, Sharleen Spiteri, The Beautiful South etc etc. I could go on. Some of them did. Along the way, I'd met my now business partner and erstwhile Australian, Colin McGinness. As someone steeped in broadcasting production ( and with a Sony under his belt ), Colin's creative muse is almost always on the go. After an arduous day of podcast and radio ad production, he spends many an evening hunched over his home studio, producing music and writing sketches for our "hobby" comedy podcast Waiting for Death.

I remember clearly the point at which Wonkana Productions went from being a smorgasbord of "what if's" to a living, breathing start up. Just over 18 months ago, we were viewing the BBCs use of podcasting with great intrigue. Then came the phenomenal success of The Guardian's Ricky Gervais podcast. Download statistics read like Australian telephone numbers. Surely it was possible to take this medium and fashion it into a new and powerful marketing tool for both external and internal communications in all kinds of business. We had no shortage of professional voice overs and presenters in our midst, we could write scripts and music and I had the interview skills to get the best from a company's CEO or newest recruit. Like an HGV driver using satnav, our first order took us in a completely unexpected direction., With a respected sports journalist acting as go between, Littlewoodspoker.com signed up for the first professionally produced poker podcast "The Pokercast". Now available on their website, itunes and other podcast directories, he says, deploying the obligatory plug. As we close out our first year, we've been working with a number of PR agencies to service their clients. One of them is the Bristol Enterprise Network, whose event Entrepreneur's Question Time has now drawn 35,000 downloads as an audio podcast. Greater awareness, more new business and more repeat business - that's what this medium can bring. We even make broadcast standard video.

Networking has of course been one of our priorities as a new business and whilst the BNIs, BRXs and every other acronym under the sun have their place, I can honestly say Enterprise Club is invaluable. Well run events and no costly membership make it a great way for business to spread its wings. I've now been able to put into practice some of the techniques and devices demonstrated at Enterprise Club seminars. It's surely no coincidence that we're just in the process of picking up a handful of new clients.
As many other businesses, Wonkana Productions laughs in the face of the credit crunch, thanks in part to the knowledgeable and supportive work of the University. And just in case you're wondering, it means "happy hunting ground" in Aboriginal. Wonkana, not the credit crunch.

Podcasting News

And so we return, hanging sweetly in the ether, like the aroma from a highly exclusive yet accessible eau de toilette. Now before panic sets in, I can confirm the contents of this e letter have been ratified by our compliance unit and do not cross the "edgy" but palatable comedy boundaries you have come to expect. There'll be no falling on swords BBC style and no prank calls to national treasures. That said, I did toy with the idea of reversing the charges from the New York speaking clock to Dame Judi Dench. One unreported and intriguing facet of the Sachsgate saga is that sales of Fawlty Towers dvds have enjoyed something of a resurgence! At the ripe young age of 78, we may now bear witness to a Manuel renaissance and some slapstick senile delinquency. Was the swearing excised from the podcast I wonder?


No such problem with the genial and charismatic Lloyd Richards and LPR Mortgage Services. I met young Lloyd through the Business Club and all sycophancy aside (there's a first!), there are some clients who are so enthused, so pro active and so switched on, that you almost wonder if they've been rote learning your business plan. Lloyd is one of these. As an independent mortgage broker, the opportunity was to create a broadcast quality audio podcast that would sit on the LPR site, iTunes and myriad podcast directories. As a pilot episode, both of us are grinning a la Cheshire Cat. The Wonkana produced podcast begins to capture Lloyd's energy, humour and equally, knowledge for mortgages and the property market. Heaven knows we need it now! "The Real Mortgage Show" is a great example of how a business can really personalise itself and communicate in a green, paperless way. It also allows you to come across as eminently likeable, ahead of the field and therefore an innovator. Do have a listen :

http://www.lprmortgages.co.uk/


I did promise that we'd veer away from any incendiary topics or material likely to cause offence and raising of the hackles. I fibbed. Whilst filling out a web registration form for the 2012 Olympics, it came to my attention that far from being marginalised, religion is bigger than ever. More than a page of the form was given over to monitoring the spiritual leanings of your company's staff. Luckily, this potentially hot potato was circumnavigated by our theological insouciance. Colin's atheism was catered for, my low key Christian beliefs were accounted some way down the list behind Voodoo, Shamanism and Branch Davidianism and our team of writers and producers would rightly chide me for prying into their private views. We only wanted to pitch for an Olympics podcast, not create the profile of a hate preacher! Should you be looking into the way your business communicates and you haven't the slightest interest in our religious diversity, please drop by at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

Mind my canapes

You know when you've truly arrived on the business networking scene when the Dean of a University's Business School invites you to a full blown lecture, finger buffet and all.
My company has been formally requested. I shall tread the oaken portals of the William Shapland Lecture Theatre and take my place for the sagacious words of Simon Denny. All hail the inaugural lecture of the Professor of Entrepreneurship! Between delicate bites on a mini chicken satay skewer, I will keenly absorb the austere and enlightening content : " Engagement through Enterprise - The Northampton Model". As a county we've been known for myriad things; shoes, Gian Sammarco (Adrian Mole), Bauhaus, Marc Warren (Hustle and pretty much everything else on tv), Andrew Collins, John Clare and Wonkana Productions. I'm sure the etiquette and manners displayed this evening will be delightful and I'm brushing up my polite small talk as we speak. Have you worked here long? Oh I work for a podcast production company; here's my card...........

Credit Crunch - The Blame Game

The premise of today's scribblings may be viewed in certain quarters as unremittingly harsh. Is not the avaricious hedge fund manager responsible for the present economic debacle?
Not really, no. I blame Sarah Beeny. The incessantly fertile, dead behind the eyes preacher of property based greed.
Ragged or not, the Beeny woman would have happily chopped in the trousers of those philanthropists had she espied a gluttonous profit. That's what it all comes down to in the end. Profit. Let's ruthlessly disregard the basic need of a roof over ones head and knock through for a hearty margin. Add a downstairs toilet. Ker-ching! Convert the loft. Show me the money! The financial woes of the global markets are nought compared to the financial attrition meted out by the Devil Incarnate. Sarah Beeny.

SatNav Frivolity

Wrong turnings. HGVs and low bridges. The creation of rat runs. Think of a satellite navigation system and not all of your perception will be flattering. Poor old SatNav slipped further down the rung of salubriousness when it was revealed Gloucestershire Constabulary were handing out dusters so as to wipe away any evidence of your Tom Tom's existence. Or Garmin. Or Sony. I forget the rest. Quarter lights were mullered, glove compartments were fingered and even NHS ambulances were raided. It was fast becoming the must-not-have accessory of the 21st Century. Not only was the mapping outdated, but the default pre-loaded voices were well, frankly, pedestrian. "Jane" was informative enough bordering on the alluring but "Brian" was dull and monotonous and the same "voice artist" behind the alleged Aussie voice "Steve". The market for celebrity and sound alike voices on your SatNav was crying out for some creative input.
Cue the guys at SatNav voices who in turn cued the chaps at Wonkana Productions. I for one have already squandered 15 years plus deploying my Lloyd Grossman, Chris Tarrant and a cast of tens on local radio. And Aussie Col's Krusty the Klown is epoch making. Like the diligent performers we are, Col and I painstakingly read the 2 page script for directions in our best impressionist voices and some of the results are filtering through to SatNav voices. Let's face it, i-spy is lame, The Little Mermaid on headrest dvd for the 15th time is stultifying and even rubber necking that 7 car pile up fails to deliver on the comedy front. Thank the high priest of satnav for these guys
http://www.satnavvoices.com/index.php?pg=2&sec=3&vid=51

Lloyd the Brave

I now know what's meant by the "real economy". It's our clients. Clients like Lloyd Richards of LPR Mortgage Services. Standard bearer for the forward thinking, the flexible and the fearless. While the high rollers were short selling, pilfering and fliching en masse, the Lloyds of this world have been planning, innovative and brave. Not for them the frippery of the corporate world and the feckless modus operandi exhibited by our High St banks. The economy may spasm and convulse as shares freefall, but the real economy becomes prodigious and resolute in the face of a downturn.
A recession may be two consecutive periods of negative growth, but the real economy stands in the defiance of such tyranny. Besides, there's no point in being negative.

I can show you the world.....

As purveyors of fine podcasts since 2006, our writing and production abilities have just been unleashed into a whole new world.Stay with me; this is no time for impromptu renditions of the Aladdin score, or indeed an unwelcome lawsuit from Alan Menken. Our newest foray beyond the core business of audio and video podcasting is on hold messaging. Press "1" if you're already hearing cheesy muzak and smug announcers telling you that "you're call is important". If you're hearing anything else, may I suggest the Archbishop of Canterbury pay you a timely visit. Happily, our messaging for BNS Management Services www.bns.co.uk defies all the on hold conventions and those ridiculously charming and handsome chaps at BNS, Andrew and Ian are very content with the results. We suspect Andrew may actually be 'phoning his own business to bathe in the glow of quality production.Earlier this week, I spent some time with doyennes of quality web design, Digital Paint www.digitalpaint.co.uk . Despite almost wandering into the local M.P's office, which is situated along from D.P. (I'd left my 3 line whip at home) I have yet to experience a more affable welcome. Refreshments were rapidly forthcoming, staff were hospitable and the Sales and Marketing Director Wayde is also a relative of the definitive Sherlock Holmes, Basil Rathbone !My day was complete.And so to complete our monthly sage words and how better than with news of a download landmark. One of our first clients were the good people at Montage Communications www.montagecomms.com in Bristol who commissioned a quarterly podcast for their client, the Bristol Enterprise Network. Imagine our level of chuffedness ( wikipedia citation pending ) when we learned the podcast has been downloaded over 10,000 times. Quick, someone call Norris McWhirter.

For your on hold messaging and podcast requirements, fill in the form at www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php and thanks for spreading the word.

10 Good Reasons X Thousand

I'm almost ashamed to admit it was Jason Donovan who said " you give me one good reason to leave me - I'll give you ten good reasons to stay ". Yes, his powers of persuasion may have been up there with Kofi Annan for sheer fluidity, but it didn't stop the accompanying album "10 Good Reasons" being shit-on-a-stick. What Jase lacked back in the innocent, heady days of the '80s was a podcast. Had he employed the considerable powers of this instrument of new media, his paramour would not only have stayed, but she'd have been loyal, continued to buy and recommended the said Antipodean vocalist to all and sundry. We may not have the boyish good looks of Mr Donovan in his pomp ( we do have more on top than he presently enjoys ) but we have 10,000 reasons to use our podcasting services.
The intuitive and pioneering fellows over at the Bristol Enterprise Network were one of our first audio podcasts and they could see the inherent value in the "stickiness" it creates to a website, the authority it lends to your area of business expertise and why having professionals produce it is the only way you get maximum effect. So where do I get this glorious figure of from? I'm sure you know me well enough by now to realise I'm not some marketing johnny come lately who dashes the internet and exhibitions with some ludicrously unjustifiable claim like "Increase your sales by 2,000 per cent". And yes, I do have a flyer for someone asserting just that. What I can say however is that the Entrepreneurs Question Time Event put on by the Bristol Enterprise Network has been downloaded 10,000 times.
Just think how many of those listeners weren't previously aware of B.E.Ns work and how many will join and attend events as a result. For podcasts that work, engage people and yield results come see us.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

Today Europe, tomorrow The World

So here we are, some 20 odd episodes down the track and that august institution The People's World Podcast Awards is crying out for some Waiting for Death action http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php . And well they might. My ineffable colleague and WFD creator Colin McGinness has slaved over many a hot ISDN and toiled relentlessly at his Pro Tools to realise his comedy vision. A disparate band of voice overs and presenters, weary of their strapline existence were ready to throw off their shackles and get political, subservice and rude! It was and still is the only professionally produced sketch comedy in a podcast only format. No BBC might lurking behind every script and no sprawling commercial entity providing a vast pool of funds. Just creativity, dedication and goodwill. Already it's caught the eye of our European cousins and we're happy to take your votes in the name of democracy and err vanity. Of course, we don't just want to be in the competition, we want to win it. I know that makes us sound like Andy Murray, but trust me when I say we don't share the unruly curls or stroppy demeanour.

This is how it works :

Visit the site http://www.worldpodcastawards.com/

In Podcast Name put Waiting for Death.
In Podcast URL put http://www.blastpodcast.com/viewpodcast.html?id=572

Nominations form 40 per cent of the process. Isn't it time you showed us some love?

Wise and Morecambe

Is it possible to do a disservice to a town in Lancashire? On the evidence of this morning, the answer is an unequivocal "yes". Think of Morecambe and the collective conscious turns to the statue of Eric and at a push, potted shrimp. At least the latter is true for ardent acolytes of seafood kingpin Rick Stein. I'd just consumed another not so full English ( didn't fancy the fried egg ) when my Morecambe ignorance thwacked me square between the eyes. Inside Ex, organised by the enterprising Price dynasty is the B2B exhibition arm of Inside Business, a suitably prosaic periodical. They get business talking, pressing the flesh and on occasion, paddling palms and pinching fingers. Their guest speaker at today's breakfast event was Red or Dead pioneer, eco campaigner and housing visionary Wayne Hemingway. And of course, son of Morecambe. For someone so steeped in the London firmament, Wayne retains his gritty Northern candour. It's apparent that he tones down nothing for the politicians and the assorted groups that consult with him. Being brave and never minding his P's and Q's has been the making of Wayne Hemingway. Morecambe is proud.

Get working Networking

The more breakfast networking events we attend as Wonkana Productions, the more dynamism I uncover in fellow businesses. Somebody clearly forgot to tell ITV News, the BBC and the Chancellor that we're not all slipping into a lachrymose catatonia. Freshly laid gravel crunched as Aussie Col and I wound our way up to the scholastic portals of the Sunley Management Centre at the University of Northampton. Today was BNI day. Yes, I'm gradually working my way through a pantheon of initials and acronyms. First came the Enterprise Club, or the EC as I like to call it. They probably don't; who'd want to be the EC other than the EC?! Quite.
Then it was the BRX, BMB, The BC of Northampton and this morning the auspicious corridors of the BNI Sixfields Chapter. The well conceived formatics of such a meeting mirror the conventions of the BRX with referral slips, 60 second introductions and a hot British Isles breakfast. I think someone at BNI has upped the anti on the introductions front; they project a minute timer onto a screen and at precisely 60 seconds in it flashes "TIME UP!". Tempus Fugit as we say when us networkers are extemporising. What to leave out? Should I drop that gag as a crowd pleaser? All these intoxicating conundrums must be resolved on a foundation of fried bread, bacon, sausage and the usual accoutrement's. Some hearty fayre to set these ebullient businesses up for the day, washed down with a cup of optimism. There was no shortage of good humoured banter, with established members voicing each other's strap lines in their finest accapella. Already we have enquiries, meetings and points of contact. We have interest. Which is more than can be said for Gordon, Alistair and his motley band of fiscal reprobates. BNI for Prime Minister I say.

When Particles Collider

If you're reading this, the likelihood of us all being swallowed up by an artificial black hole will have diminished somewhat ( don't you just long for the Stephen Hawking Voice Programme sometimes? ). Typical. We can't even create a man made vacuum in space. Clearly they forgot to call that clever Dyson bloke from Wiltshire. A dual cyclone, ball tilting, pet hair removing cylinder would have done the job. And you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
So now they've really "opened up" the Large Hadron Collider to full tilt, what have these malevolent protons shown us? Well, couched in the verbiage of the layman, giant detectors will scour the "subatomic wreckage" for evidence of new physics.
Those in the know say the universe is made up of 25% dark matter, a mysterious substance as well hidden as Westlife's talent.
One of the first likely discoveries from Cern is a theory called Supersymmetry. As much as this sounds like a feature of "Trinny and Susannah Undress The Nation", it isn't. It is an idea which predicts that every fundamental particle in the universe has an invisible, overweight twin. Now don't go blaming this poor particle for it's obesity. It can't help it and your oppression and ridicule of it only serves to diminish its contribution to society. So what is the answer to all these scientific imponderables and what possible benefit will it bring you and I? Well, hopefully a better name than the current plethora of bizarre suggestions.
Squark, Twin of the Quark, The Photino, Twin of the Photon and The Stuff of light. I think there's a real gap in the market to make a compelling and accessible science podcast and there's only one company to do it.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/creativeconcepts.php

Casting, casting - RETV

One of the services we provide at Wonkana is TV presenting and Real Estate TV, the property channel has asked me to try out for a new role which is being filmed at the London Stock Exchange. Part of the casting requires some self written spiel about buyer's tips, emerging markets and the like - this is a rough draft of mine.

“ Buy low, sell high “; that’s the nuts and bolts, the meat and drink of property development. Well, buying low is certainly possible in the current climate as many developers weep into their gilt edged portfolios. However, the present situation may yet prove to be advantageous and you could find yourself a tidy profit before Deborah Meaden can say “ I’m out ! “. This is the one occasion it’s okay to use the C word on television. Consolidation. Maximise that 200 grand end terrace your procured at auction by working smarter. So, before you go wild in the dolphin bathroom aisles, think about recycling. Think about the car boot sale. Yes, it’s worth leaping from your stinking pit first thing on a Sunday to pick up some cut price fixtures and fittings. And what’s more, you’re being greener than Graham Greene working for the Green Party whilst listening to Green Day. Those Ikea prints and Mira electric shower (still boxed) are yours for 15 quid and you’ve ticked the recycling box…..we’ll conveniently overlook the booter’s standard issue plastic bag.
As a potential buyer of course, you do need to be switched on and clued up. Has the place been kitted out in state-of-the-art gadgets that might look good but frankly fail to add any real value to the house? After all, it’s a home first and foremost – a roof over your head, so is the intelligent lighting and wireless music system necessary or is it just so they can slap another 10 grand on the asking price? If the property is over the odds now, the picture won’t be much better when you come to sell. Going back to the eco friendly theme may be the answer – environmentally sound additions to your home might just make it a more attractive proposition….”A” rated white goods, solar panels, good insulation and cavity wall treatment. Not forgetting those energy saving light bulbs – yes, I know they take eons to come on, but this is the planet we’re talking about !
Education, education, education is arguably as important as Location, location, location. All parents know the importance of a good catchment area. But don’t just rely on league tables and Ofsted reports – these may be a useful guide, but nothing beats talking to other parents. Find out what makes the school tick – is it really the right choice for your child? It may claim to be the best school in Christendom on paper, but if it doesn’t live up to that, have you bought in the right area?
So where are the emerging markets? The Floridian holiday home for the terminally retired has been and gone, the former Eastern Bloc is a firm favourite and timeshare is…well, timeshare. If it’s reconstruction you want to be in on, you could do worse than Iraq and Afghanistan. It is possible to pick up an en suite cave for not much money. On a serious note, developers have identified the humble student as a gap in the market. Bespoke, hard wearing flats can be let out year after year, as the student is now a far more discerning breed. Not for then a run down 3 bed mid terrace with regulation pot noodle and daytime tv. The win is centralized, modern and functional student apartments. Make sure you do your homework though – wi fi and quick broadband will be a must. As more and more school leavers are encouraged into higher education, the need for accommodation naturally increases and your bottom line looks increasingly healthy.

Big Plans

Our American division has been busy creating a test sequence for the TV pilot of "Waiting for Death". Here are the results of their endeavours - it's very much "early doors", but it just gives you a glimpse into the Wonkana comedy writing arm.

Unashamed Plugging

Wonkana Productions creates Podcasts of the highest standards.
Professional scriptwriting.
Voice over artists.
High end production values.

Our desire is to create a new marketing tool for your business
that adds depth and clarity to what you do.
No matter what your business, we will help advise and produce a quality podcast that sets your business apart from all the rest.

Our approach is to give you control of this powerful new advertising and promotional solution.
You’ll have a presentation that’s not just for your website,
but free to use on your phone systems or in-store where appropriate. You can use your podcast however you want.
You can even sell advertising in your presentation.

It's entirely up to you.

Think beyond the print ads in the paper and the rushed
30 second commercials on radio.
Now is the time to tell the world about your business, with the quality and integrity it deserves.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

Bacon, eggs and positivity

Recession? What recession ! That's the message of unswerving stoicism from the upbeat members of the Business Referral Exchange. Running as if on greased castors, this morning's meeting ( to which I was previously unaccustomed, so technically a guest ) proved to be a welcoming and enlightening affair. This is no talking shop; from the seamless opening words by Peter Dugmore - all your health insurance requirements - at www.wpa.org.uk/peterdugmore to an insightful presentation by Business and Personal Performance Coach and soon to be seminar and conference aficionado Ian Brendish - www.ibrendish.co.uk . These people represent the best in networking, or "connecting" as one self styled business guru once said.

A good testimonial never goes amiss and the Marketing Manager at one of our clients (littlewoodspoker.com), Stephanie Sammut gives this ringing endorsement of our services :
"Working with Wonkana on the Littlewoods Poker Podcast has enabled us to grow our online poker community and we're seeing our players coming back month after month to hear the latest edition. They offer outstanding service, not only in terms of quality and timescales, but they even took the time out to host a poker tournament on our behalf!"
Thanks, Steph. The podcast is on the server, as we say in the trade.

It's a busy time for us right now, pitching to numerous international companies with a podcast format we're more than happy to be first with. Again. Bringing broadcast values to online marketing really is our middle name, or at least it would be if the people at deed poll weren't so officious! I know a number of the B.R.E now have Wonkana packs and so their lives are truly complete, but our video is also here :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM

For all the podcasting that you've ever dreamt of.....and then some, drop me a line to the email below or go to our contact form at the website
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php Your help in spreading the word, or at least this newsletter won't go unnoticed; it's all good karma. (other religions are available).

A stoned Moss garners no friends

All men are "c****" and "b*******". At least in the view of Kate Moss they are. It's this type of wayward and wholly unjustified outburst that makes me thankful my celebrity "star" has not yet risen above the Endsleigh Insurance firmament. I'm no great proponent of the C word and to hear this colourful description from a woman only serves to heighten its repugnance. Sure, we've all been there. A rotten experience with the opposite sex and the temptation to stereotype the entire gender is palpable. But it passes. Unless of course you're a neurotic, dysfunctional and misanthropic fashion model cum icon of vacuity. What a great name for an album - Icon of Vacuity. Spin your ipod wheel and there's the album artwork; a suitably pretentious pencil sketch of Ms Moss, with anti male bile cascading from her lips. Listen Mossy, if I went on the evidence of one bad relationship, all women would be unpredictable, irrational sociopaths and I'd be periodically checking the brake line on my peugeot.
Where's the even handedness, the circumspection and the reasoning? I guess that's the Peruvian marching powder for you. A few nosefuls of that stuff and everyone probably seems like a "c***" and a "b******". You can have a titter at more lampooning of coked up celebs by going to
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

The devil's in the detail

The title of today's prosaic meanderings came to me as a result of a meeting. This was, however, no ordinary meeting. As any self respecting new business ( and some older ones ) will know all too well, you will not get to see the CEO of the company you are pitching too. Certainly not on the first tryst. Unless you're fortunate enough to have met them at a "networking opportunity". Now I know that term conjures up images up lukewarm bacon sandwiches in Godawful hotels (c) Robert Craven or even "coffee, a piss and fag" as one less than effective radio manager puts it. Not so at the Enterprise Club at the University of Northampton. David Thomson, CEO of Best Deal Insurance had just given a presentation titled "Close that Sale". No suprise then that half the room wanted to combine a handshake with their business card a la Alan Partridge. Happily, I didn't give a paper cut to anyone from Nestle or any other confectioners. What did happen was a fortuitous and cordial chat with David, a self made businessman who embodies drive and a "can do" spirit. One conversation with him is like sipping on neat adrenaline. So meet we did in the impressive Best Deal HQ and pick over the power of podcasting. I was even made a cup of tea. By the CEO. Why shouldn't you go straight to the top? What's stopping you? You've got the organisation where the decision making and purse strings lie. For the best deals in insurance, I've no doubt it's Best Deal Insurance. For smart, compelling and professional podcasting, it's http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

The truth hurts

The time has come for some honesty. No punches will be pulled, no prisoners taken. Homemade / In House podcasting doesn't work. If a member of your team, however valued, feels an innate compulsion to plug a mic into the rear of an office pc and "interview" the CEO, make them stop. I don't care what it takes; a strategically placed stapler or the deft use of the flip chart which hasn't been used since that consultant wrote "bullshit baffles brains" on it. Just stop them. Look at your website. I'd be willing to guess your company has funded the weekend car driven so extravagantly by your web designer. So why would you publish an audio or video podcast that's ill conceived, badly presented and woefully under produced on your oh-so expensive pages? It's like putting a pig on a silk hat. Or something like that. Do you entertain clients at KFC? Are your reps driving around in Ladas that have your logo chalked on in freehand? Of course not. Don't devalue your site, your company and your brand - get the professionals in. Hear our credentials. Don't DIY.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/podcastingdemo.php

Shiny new episode

Aussie Col is pictured at the recent littlewoodspoker.com tournament pondering whether it is prudent to play some WFD sketches to Michael Greco.

Still looking for all your continued support with downloads and votes for our filthy little show.

Vote for Waiting For Death here:

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/professional/type/player/uid/748/podid/748.html


BRAND NEW SUPER EXPANDED SPECIAL EPISODE AVAILABLE NOW

Syke News finally gets it's own show. A full length special edition and now officially our longest episode to date.Join our team as we give you the news behind the news.
What's Russia up to?
Is Naomi Campbell litigious?
Whatever happened to that Maddie girl?
Can John-Paul save your sex life?
And what's with this 2012 apocalypse malarkey?
For the answers to all these questions, plus the latest from the Beijing Olympics, it's time to get Newsed. And no one will news you harder than Syke News.


DOWNLOAD IT ON ITUNES NOW, OR LISTEN ONLINE AT:

http://wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

Fold, Call or Raise

No, this isn't an Eastend stand off between Beppe and his long lost brother Peter di Sharkio, but a rare quiet moment during Saturday's proceedings for the pan European poker tournament held in London by littlewoodspoker.com . The actor turner poker player Michael Greco and ineffable sports writer/commentator Peter Sharkey are shown at the Wonkana Productions interview table. Hear the full results in next month's Pokercast. At the top right of the page, Peter is pictured with the eventual winner of the 3 and a half hour thriller and it was certainly Deutschland uber alles.

http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast

There's the door

Now and again you encounter the "closed mind" culture. It's usually found 'neath the shallow cover of the "my door is always open" culture.
I too have been employed by blinkered organisations who are threatened by ideas and opinions which emanate from non managerial quarters. You become accustomed to that sense of foreboding which means not only has your card been marked, but dipped in one coat-vandal proof-irremovable Hammerite. You could run the organisation better than they do. Incidentally, I make no apology for using the language of the polemicist. It's you and them.
A company with any semblance of gumption will actively harness the insight of intuitive and progressive staff. Not this one; the head of department feels undermined by every upstart fibre of your insolent being. You want the best for the business and the best for you?
If you don't like it, leave.
Is it actually possible in this day and age people are still being told that?
Well, not only is it happening, the threats industry is positively burgeoning. Invariably, weak senior management will draft in ( and I'm sorry for using the C word ) a consultant. I'm genuinely saddened by the interlopers, brigands and con men passing themselves off as consultants. Their oleaginous modus operandi is to window dress the message with gentle and encouraging words like "team", "collective" and "cohesion". If you're really lucky, they may even call upon the unbridled power of the flip chart and place a triangle inside a circle.
I'm afraid all the euphemisms in the handbook couldn't prevent one fat-headed fellow from showing his true colours to one particularly hard-pressed set of underpaid individuals.
" We're a team with a common purpose ", he told them, preferring the all encompassing "team" as he could never bring himself to shake the hand of anyone sub board level.
" And if anyone doesn't like their job; get up and leave now. " Quite a guy eh?
A room may be an inanimate space, but I think even it squirmed. Brick dust was seen to cascade. It's remarkable what sparks off a blog topic; one of the forthcoming episodes of Waiting For Death http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
deals beautifully with the foibles of the workplace.
And if you don't like it, you know where the door is.

Copy and Paste? Don't mind if I do!

We always like to think big at Wonkana. It began with a nomination at the World Podcast Awards for our continuing comedy series
" Waiting for Death ". Now the production crosshairs are trained on our European brethrens. Those learned fellows at the
European Podcast Awards have given us a nod in the Professional category. It's like being called "Sir" by the concierge in some ostentatious hotel; you savour the moment to the full. Unless you're a woman. Then you sue.
And here's you thinking Europe was synonymous with red tape, the clanking anachronism of excessive health and safety and Peter Mandelson's snout in the unfathomed depths of an EC trough. From Eurosceptic to Europhile quicker than you can say
" You're listening to 6 Music and the winner of the ipod is James in Hammersmith, who isn't really my producer "
Have a gander at our entry here :

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/professional/type/player/uid/748/podid/748.html

I should warn you there is some language. Mainly English.

Almost time to exit podcast left and of course we hope your business is in a strong position during these testing times; clients nicely ringfenced and an efficient website strong on retention. Get in touch with Wonkana and we will make it even more robust with an audio or video podcast as endorsed by those scholarly chaps at the Bristol Enterprise Network

" We used Wonkana Productions to produce audio podcasts for some of our Bristol Enterprise Network Events. They were of excellent quality and have enabled us to reach a far wider audience than we would otherwise get to the venue on a particular evening. The team at Wonkana were very professional, friendly and easy to work with. " - the words of Enterprise Manager Paul Harrod.

How about joining the ranks of Matt ( Montage Communications ), Dev ( The PR People ) and numerous others by signing up to our Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Northampton-United-Kingdom/Podcast-Production/18000074766?ref=ts

Call me old fashioned

Who do we "thank".....Jung, Freud, Kerry Katona ? Society has become fixated with once private detail. Whether it's a house being sold by lesbians or what kind of anti depressant some ubiquitous celebrity is on. For the perennially curious, Ms Katona favours an acuphase salad on a bed of seroxat.
As a child of the '70s, I wasn't especially aware of any Victorian overtones to my generation. Our Dads were always better than the next and there was, of course, the inevitable comparison of Grifter and Chopper. Beyond that,it seemed to me people largely kept their private life, well - private. I'm not just thinking of seamy boudoir practices here, although Dave Allen would have brushed his trouser leg with some disquiet had he been privy to the shenanigans of a certain Mr Brand. Nothing is sacred. For any self respecting messy-haired sex addict, the devil's in the detail. Lay it all bare, hold the mystique and peg out your dirty laundry for some easy press coverage and capacious book sales.
My coping mechanisms have become largely de sensitised to this exhibitionism and self publicising nonsense, yet I insist on the re reinstatement of one former taboo. Money. I never fail to be shaken by the brazen bragging which centres around salaries. My colleague was recently subjected to an unsolicited boast of a friend's new radio contract.
"50 thousand a year", she declared without a trace of self awareness or dignity.
In this era of globalisation, company turnovers, profit, share prices and other financial minutiae are inevitable, but the personal stuff - keep it personal. I don't want your coarse, vulgar and avaricious preening.

European Glory

No, not the Champions League, the Six Nations or just any pan European competion; this is for the Rolls Royce of podcasts and Waiting for Death has just been nominated. I've dropped in their FAQ for you to learn more and the link for voting follows.

European Podcast Award FAQ

Who is allowed to participate?Every audio - podcast that is equipped with a functioning RSS-Feed and does not infringe or violate any copyrights of third parties can be proposed for the Award.

Who is allowed to propose podcasts?Any producer or listener of podcasts can make as many online proposals as he or she wishes.

How will podcasts be proposed for the Award?All necessary particulars concerning the podcast are registered on the “Propose Podcast” page. The Award editorial department will examine all entries and activate the Podcast online for appraisal. This will be carried out as quickly as possible. There is no legal claim that the proposal shall be published for online rating and evaluation in the portal of the Award. The editorial department shall reserve the right to refuse participation for reasons of content or for formal and legal reasons.

How will the podcasts be evaluated?All nominated podcasts can be evaluated and rated online on the “Vote and Win” page. Finally a jury of specialists will award the prizes for the podcasts, taking the online ratings into account.

How long will the Award last ?Proposals for the award will be accepted and nominations will be possible until 15. 09. 08 . All award winners will be determined and notified by the middle of Oktober 08.

What is there to be won?The national and European winners will receive official notification and will also receive their awards publicly, if possible. They will receive valuable material prizes (audio-recording devices / software). Prizes will also be drawn among the visitors to the portal, who have proposed and / or rated podcasts.

How can I promote my podcast for the Award?The “Promote the Award” page presents tips and tools, enabling Award-Podcasts to be evaluated and rated online via email or by means of integration in homepages (e.g. in MySpace) simply and rapidly also outside the portal

http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/index.php?id=12&L=1&podid=748&no_cache=1&tx_ddpodcast_pi1[art]=vote

A new arrival

Colin was rightly proud of his new telescopic stand and cradle.
Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't the depraved opening salvo in a John Paul sketch for Waiting for Death, the comedy podcast extravaganza. However, this newest of additions to the Wonkana family can only enhance the rich tapestry of comedy in our World Podcast Award nominated series. We have a new studio microphone for our facility in Bristol. Its custodian, Aussie Col, can barely contain his ever widening grin. The mic arguably sits at the top of the production tree and this particular one, to use technical speak, is the "mutt's nuts". Yesterday was spent voicing a veritable cornucopia of new material for WFD; from a movie trailer pastiche to innumerable John Paul vignettes of utter filth. As a veteran of assorted studios ( and slipping surreptitiously into my anorak ), I must confess that the main Wonkana studio microphone is superior to any that I have encountered over the years. Never known for our false modesty, we are a podcast production company at the top of our game and this purchase is the icing on the cake. Or the mic on the stand.

Let him go.....We will not let him go

War and Comedy are, it's fair to say, two largely irreconcilable ideas. Never the most simpatico of bedfellows, the pair rarely collide. Until yesterday. In the hostile and unforgiving terrain of Afghanistan, British special forces killed a senior Taliban commander. The name of this terrorist troglodyte? Bismullah. All this time, the insurgency force around Helmand have been slavishly following a man named after a bunch of Queen lyrics. He doubtless won Afghan hearts and minds with the impassioned plea :
" I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me "
How they fell to their knees and gave old Bishy their unwavering loyalty.
On this occasion however, the well trained cross hairs of the SAS couldn't spare him a life from this monstrosity. He was brown bread.
Beezlebub may well have put a devil aside for you, my old mucker, but it was elite servicemen who had a bullet with your name on.
There is of course a bucket load of tomfoolery at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

p.s. The blog takes just over a weeks rest as of now - come back on 28th July.

Exaggerate, me ?

Much as I loathe hyperbole, it has infected me. My affliction became apparent during the weekend after a chat with two aficionados of marketing, a subject not normally known for its linguistic restraint. Aussie Col was playing genial host to Lou and Pete of Secret Agent Marketing. Part of me hankers after a spot of work with them, if only because I'd have the right to be "Agent John" on their website, kingpin of international espionage and market segmentation. It's glamour personified. Rich in images of deep cover, reconnaissance and covert surveillance missions. Agent John - yes, I'll have a piece of that thank you very much.
There I go again. Exaggeration. It's rife. The "brilliant" Ronaldo, "genius" comic Alan Carr and the talented Jade Goody. Surely irony is permissible?
Lou's opinion is that you only heap superlatives on your company when a breadth of clients are able to validate your claims as The Best. I struggle to stay so restrained; must be my commercial radio upbringing. Everything's best, better, more, greatest and each song is surely the most wonderful known to man. My mission, handed down by the Secret Agents is to desist from the hyperbolic and stick to the facts. Perhaps they're double agents for Trading Standards.

Ich bin so geil

Reality is often funnier than fiction, although certainly not in the case of our World Podcast Award nominated comedy series " Waiting for Death " http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php
That said, the colourful practices of F1 supremo Max Moseley come a close second ( a notion he's more than accustomed to, as the paddle leaves its telltale impression ). Playing out to knowing nods and the occasional behind hand snigger, the Camp Commandant had one thing right. German lends itself particularly well to those rumbustious pursuits. Its gruff diphthongs and harsh construction have "adult entertainment" sprayed all over them, you dirty slut. All the timely gags in the punishment chamber about "racing stripes" or "pole position" fail to eclipse the comedic value of throaty Deutsch as the soundtrack to Herr Moseley's correction. I'm always reminded of an amusing 'zine from my formative Upper school years. No doubt bound in a discarded Tesco carrier, this particular publication featured a cell based scene, not unlike that of the motor sport magnate. The "inmate" pleaded with his captor to be "taken through the bars" (nimm mich durch das Gitter). The subject being covered in baked beans only served to heighten the oddness of the vignette. So, Max Moseley, you may be a slap-happy deviant, but you know your linguistics. After all, this wasn't just any S&M, this was Germanic S&M.

Talkin' 'bout a Recession

Two consecutive quarters of negative growth.
That's the generally accepted definition of a recession. There are of course others.

1. Bill Gates going part time at KFC
2. Mooring fees being evaded by Roman Abramovich in Monaco

A slump. A downturn. Call it what you like, but it hasn't happened yet. You could be forgiven for thinking these economic collywobbles are a full blown crisis. The media loves a good crisis. Especially one of its own hyping. ITV News is unquestionably the worst for scaremongering. I'm sure the on screen font for " Job Losses" has doubled in size. Either that, or my TV got smaller.So as we talk ourselves into a financial corner, the super rich are enjoying even more affluent times, collecting fine art and dusting their cornflakes with gold leaf. I read that the richest 1,000 people in Britain are collectively worth £412,000,000,000. Four hundred and twelve billion pounds. It kind of underscores the madness in the world don't you think?

Profane and Inane

It'll never stand up in court. How I did chuckle at the defence of slippery producers for the Jeremy Kyle Show when penalised by Ofcom. The reason, they claimed, why the use of the C word by a guest wasn't bleeped out was due to them not being able to understand him. And here's me thinking incoherence was a pre requisite for this compendium of cro magnon cankers. I said "cankers", M'Lud.

One of the last swearing taboos was uttered by a Scottish contributor, but went to air as programme makers were wrong footed by his strong accent. Ofcom described the word as the most "offensive and abusive" and its use was "unacceptable".

Unbeknown to our Petrus quaffing chums at Ofcom, a c**t appears every day without fail on the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Jeremy Kyle.

For more killer punchlines like that, download the World Podcast Award nominated comedy " Waiting for Death " at
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

Pardon my buzzphrase

Retention. It's the word du jour. Well Aussie Col used it. Twice. In my book, that brackets it as a "of the day" in French. Naturelement.
To what kind of retention do I refer? Website retention, my inquisitive friend.
Is it not your one of your key aims to encourage people to come back to your site?
And why has this blog suddenly developed Shakespearean overtones?
Nine changes of the wat'ry star hath been the Shepherd's note since we have left our throne without a burden.
At the risk of creating a superfluous strap line - Wonkana does retention.
The Bristol Enterprise Network, the Littlewoods Pokercast - all these high end, top drawer podcasts are the reason visitors to your website will come back to you. Have a peek at the people we're retaining for :

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/community.php

It's always uplifting to hear a would be client sold on your product before you've even concluded your pitch and that's exactly what happened this morning. One sage individual who couldn't have been any more receptive told me " The podcast will keep people coming back to the site ".
It's like the words were plucked from my own mouth.

Not so super market

It's a creeping disease.

Not having the authority to do anything, save tell you they have "no authority to do anything". As Venus and Serena battled for sibling supremacy ( I can see the movie now.....Sibling Supremacy...."she was a tennis player....and so was she...the goofball comedy of the year, starring Adam Sandler as Venus and Owen Wilson as Serena) Mrs Rose and I ventured out for provisions. A bag of spuds, 4 pack of baked beans, assorted condiments etc etc. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Until I gingerly slid a box of 4 Sol beers into the already groaning basket ( I know, how deliciously Central American of me! ) Not the most outlandish of purchases, until you discover one Sol was missing. The remaining 3 left to mourn the loss of their dear departed cousin. Consigned to the floor in an earlier mishap or the accomodating side pocket of some shopper's cargo pants. Hard to say. All I know is 3 beers should cost less than 4. Frustratingly, not a viewpoint shared by the cashier, who stuck rigidly to rigid company policy. Perhaps it was my disdain that rang the supervisor bell for her. The shuffling and sub sea level knuckles of the supervisor already told a similarly inflexible story.

"Can't do anything about it", she declared, with all the eye contact of the one in Big Brother who can't see.

3 for the price of 4? Doesn't quite have the ring of Buy One Get One Free, although I wish she had.

There's much better offers if you fill in our contact form and order a podcast

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php

Itsa Nicea Price

Price is a curious concept. I'm not talking about price elasticity of demand, contribution pricing or skimming price. I'm referring to the anachronism of price.
It's my own personal theory, up there with Cosby's law of inter-generational perversity for sheer noteworthiness.
Why are businesses screwing each other?
The more you drive down a supplier, the greater their financial hardship. Common sense says that your short term gain (saving) is someone else's pain. Let's look at the catering industry; hardly known for its flexibility on price is it?
Next time you're in Costa Coffee, Starbucks or (insert generic homogenous brand here) , present that £3.75 crayfish and roquette pitta at the till and say :
" Budgets are tight; what can you come down to ? "
An intriguing but risible prospect I'm sure you'll agree. Yet with monotonous regularity, companies are beating down their commercial partners. Advocates who are helping them win new business and conferring greater kudos on that organisation.
Hardly makes sense, does it?
Would a patient undergoing cosmetic surgery haggle with the cost of having her mammary glands bolstered?
" I know it's 4 grand Doctor, but can you do it for 2 and a half ? "
I do wonder how much of this "the client wants it cheaper" is actually credit crunch, or good old fashioned avarice?
For very reasonable prices, point your browser at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

A nice, fat steaming blog

Well I promised you London chapter and verse on Monday, but other desperately important Wonkana paraphernalia took me away from the keyboard. So return I will to our escapade in The Smoke. The original intention was to bombard innumerable PR agencies with our portfolio of podcasting. In the end, Aussie Col and I structured our day around a trip to Primrose Hill. That and the pub. And Pret A Manger. And another pub.
Good old Primmers, that bastion of creativity and refuge of myriad thesps. Sean Bean lives there. And to Boromir a well known phrase, "if it's good enough for Sheffield's most famous son, it's good enough for Wonkana".
The inner sanctum of Hart Media, promoters par excellence, was a Bohemian affair with a strong sense of bonhomie. One of their affable number was taking a quick tea break on the sun drenched terrace, whilst another deftly brewed coffee just to my liking. I know that blogs are often viewed as even more vivid than the dysfunctional merry go round of Kerry Katona's, but I shall exercise restraint and desist from a blow by blow account. This much I will say; the music industry would struggle to find a more genuine figure than Toby at said company. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the contents of a meeting are sacrosanct.
Now, when's that OK centre spread?

Capital pitching, dear boy

I like London. There are usually two ends to this illuminating spectrum. The raffish at one and the uber sophisticate at the other. Suffice to say, Colin and I formed a coterie that sat comfortably with the latter. Seamlessly we blended with the social mores of NW and EC1. Barely concealing our provincial credentials with an A to Z Handy map, we set out to " burn some shoe leather " (c) Robert Craven. As I gingerly exited Chalk Farm tube, a quick call to Col revealed his position to be the Salvation Army cafe. Anticipating a painfully a la mode coffee lounge with a trusty oak and leather combo, imagine my surprise as the warm brick exterior belied the rudimentary interior. Tea for two and a yoghurt encased cereal bar for 2 English pounds ! This isn't London. This is Utopia.
Crackling with ideas and spewing out the odd invigorating torrent of thought, we set our course for some upscale estate agents. In this postcode, they don't do proletariat. As Aussie Col performed his elevator pitch to the townhouse alumni, I window shopped, wrestling with the impossible sounding mortgage multiples. One would-be-buyer stood chatting to an agent who could clearly smell something numbered and Swiss. Eavesdropping, I felt like Sarah Beeny minus the perennial pregnancy bump. By now, the beautiful people of these monied boroughs will have seen our video and it will be the talk of the town.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM

London town. A Wonkana kind of town.
Head back here on Monday for more on The Smoke.

Packed lunch, Credit Crunch

No one could have imagined the raw, unbridled power wielded by a hastily prepared sarnie. That sorry looking bread palette of hues; bedraggled gem lettuce atop some grizzled charcuterie. It doesn't seem possible. The answer to these economically challenging times it seems, lies within the humble Tupperware box. Snack your way out of the credit crunch with a home made packed lunch. Belts are tightened, budgets are curtailed and Prudence is no longer just the name of the posh girl at the end of the street. As four in five shoppers are said to be buying more own labels than before, increasing swathes of hard-pressed workers are turning to the sandwich.
It's back to basics.
John Major may well feel vindicated, although the wanton economising of the "man in the street" isn't exactly on a par with doinking your cabinet underling. Egg sandwich anyone?
A well heeled panini or some upwardly mobile soup in a basket is no longer an option. Pass the margarine.

Tomorrow, news on the official Wonkana day out in London.
For an equally leftfield look at life, visit http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

A tiptoe around the Crypto

The cryptogram may be the stuff of derring do and buckles being swashed a la Da Vinci Code ( Personally, I've always yearned for Da Finchy Code, in which the slack jawed Chris Finch drops some serious Sarf (sic) London patois innit? ). Even in the most intricate Dan Brown plot, I had never heard of cryptosporidium. No, I haven't got verbal diarrhea, but the real thing is a distinct possibility if I down a tumbler of Northamptonshire tap water.
A podcast would never give you cryptospowhatsit. It would be a thing of joy forever. I digress. My cup runneth over with a nasty little bug that's found its way into the domestic supply. Don't talk to me about MRSA, Avian flu or Clostridium Difficile. Il est tres difficile, Monsieur.
This microscopic swine has infiltrated our house like some Trojan nag that didn't have to knock. It just rode in on the coat tails of Adam's Ale. The wretched and time consuming need to boil could run and run. Suppose it's preferable to the runs.
It's off to London tomorrow to see our friends in the music industry. Yes, those ineffable kings of strum. Wonkana is pitching another brand new format. Patience, dear boy; you'll hear it soon enough. Do have a nose around our site in the meantime
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/
And with a due nod to Sir Jerry of Springershire, my final thought :
Cryptosporidium is present in human faeces.
Hands up who took a shit in the reservoir?

Star jumps and The Goombay Dance Band

I thought I felt a pang. I was wrong. Not composing a blog yesterday held no regrets. After all, your first wedding anniversary shouldn't really yield to online mutterings, twitterings and assorted yabberings that find their way onto the smorgasbord of the web. A daily blog is a commitment only outdone by the slightly weightier undertaking of marriage. The self flagellation stops here.

Today brought a disc full of highbrow business academia sent to Wonkana HQ by Cumbrian alumnus and all round real ale quaffer Mr Steph. Knee deep in research and paperwork for his Open University M.A, the Lad from the Lakes saw fit to fire 101 keen minded questions at me to test my new business mettle. He even used terms like "core business" and "exit strategies". Or at least he may have done. In my pursuit of one upmanship, it could have been me. The words "market segmentation" may even have crossed my lips. I put it down to my competitive streak. Losing is no good to man nor beast. In truth, the blame lies with middle school tennis coaching. If ever there was a pretender to the McEnroe behavioural throne it was me.

I am serious.

After a bout of business-ese was duly traded, I enquired after the state of Mr Steph's workplace. My grasp of his precise role within the Japanese car manufacturer may be described as nebulous. He works with CAD, I think. A fulsome job description if ever there was one.

Wanted : person to work with CAD and err other stuff.

Notwithstanding the gaps in my knowledge of his day to day professional life, I asked whether kaisen or any other pan Asian sytem of working had been parachuted in, to use the de rigeur phraseology.

What he told me shook Japanese efficiency to the core. Or at least my take on it.

Every morning at a set time, a track by the Goombay Dance Band wafts over the company public address system, presumably to imbue the workers with a sense of purpose and joie de vivre. Either that or foul and murderous intent.The Goombay Dance Band?!

As an irritant, that's got to be up there with dust mites, sulphuric acid and James Blunt. Anyone who doesn't have the decency to stick with their bona fide family name of Blount only brings ridicule on themselves. The connotation and rhyming potential of Blunt plays straight into the comedic hands of any self respecting satirist, whereas Blount gives off an almost Chaucerian air.

Full Blount he was, as it were a mede; al ful of fryshe flours whyte and redde.

It seems like he's learned to live with it. Perhaps there's a company sanatorium handily located with ample parking and friendly, helpful nursing staff. It's all a sliding scale; Mr Steph did look very uneasy when I explained that an acquaintance was made to perform star jumps at one internet banking call centre as penance for failures in procedure. It may be spelt "Egg", but it's pronounced "humiliation". The strains of the Goombay Dance Band - perhaps it was what Maslow was thinking when he theorised on self actualisation. There I go again. Blame the tennis. I promise there's none here

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

And besides, as the juvenile joke always had it, "abstince makes the fart go Honda".

Googality and Frugality

This search engine optimisation gubbins is a minefield. So much so that I half expect a bunch of paps to be merrily snapping Heather Mills sporting a protective visor next to a Google search box. Meta Tags this, keywords that, back links the other. It's all designed to mystify and exasperate. Thanks to the superfluous function of Google Hot Trends, I know that some rising-through-the-ranks stand up comedian is the third most popular search term. Bet he says "fuck" a lot. Of course, there's always Google AdWords...."Google AdWords; monetizing grammar since 2007 to fund our virtual reality canteen, if you don't mind."

Unfortunately, this isn't the face of someone who'd spend an inordinate amount of Wonkana moulah bidding for combinations of words that some chump might just type in and then click on our site.Nothing is free these days, not even words. Who'll show me £35 for anti disestablishmentarianism ? Sold to the gentleman holding the word "gullible" aloft.

It's an in exacting science, this SEO lark. And let's face it, there's nothing very in exacting about science. It makes about as much sense as Thomas steadfastly refusing to have doubts and Judas demonstrating great acts of loyalty. I am an AdWord heretic.

Little wonder, given one "expert" told me you should never bid for the most popular word(s) but target number 3 or 4 on the list. It's designed to baffle. And it's powered by Google. When it comes to riding high in the search results (and much to a web designer's chagrin) you're ever so slightly in the lap of the Gods.

"Google could have just changed their algorithm", I heard one Venture Capitalist explain to an enraptured symposium. Can we actually be certain there was ever such an algorithm in the first place? (Who's to say it wasn't long division or numerical solutions of Equations and Interpolation?)

They'll tell you anything, these technorati. If you Googled "Google algorithm" would it even be on the first page? The sensible money says you'll stumble across the two words in a completely unrelated context on page 17 of the results, just below "amoeba masturbationcam".

I.T. is a bluffer's trade if you ask me. Always dealing in the abstract, never the concrete; that's the way they like it. It keeps them comfortable. Leading you up the proverbial garden path with unresolvable statements, answers that sound like questions and muttering the on screen prompts under their breath to sound proficient.

" What's the Google Algorithm? " you should ask some time, just to throw a spanner in the works. Or a Google bot in the Meta Whatsit. See our stuff at this address

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

Beats paying.

Mid-Week Mania

A madness grips the country. I call it collective stupidity. It's my personal theory which explains how otherwise able and astute individuals lose all their wit when acting within a larger community or society. Now I know what you're thinking, Dr Persaud. It's speech marks or a timely civil action. Quotation or litigation. Do tarry awhile before you deploy that trusty copy and paste. The stupidity to which I allude is demonstrated effectively and prosaically in the scripts of " Waiting for Death ", the Wonkana Productions podcast comedy series. How can something this good be free, you ask.And well you might.

So what's wrong with society? A surfeit of the keenest minds, glittering alumni and an ostentation of consultants are powerless to prevent the unique brand of stupid that has become the hallmark of 21st century Britain.

Just what has provoked my ire so acutely? A little known newspaper not five miles from one of our pod casting bunkers tells of a Waterstones store that will be "policed" by a cardboard cut out copper.P.C. Nick Stephens explains :

" Research has shown that shoplifting is reduced.......he (cut out) will be on guard 24 hours and won't take a tea break ! " The side splitting humour in that quote clearly an acrid smokescreen for the soul destroying buffoonery of the concept. I think I speak for most right minded taxpayers when expressing a desire for 3, not 2 dimensional officers on the beat. Yet again, another own goal in the net of stupidity.

For equally pointed comment on society, its foibles and sketches as sharp as a cutlass, go here
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/waitingfordeath.php

From the sublime......

Yesterday was a veritable pot pourri of sales encounters. In particular, two experiences that were about as close as Arctic and Antarctic. The first involved a lavish country venue, seat of extravagant weddings and Sealed Knot re enactments. The second is a hotbed of musical talent and latent celebrity illuminati. I'd put a call in to the former, so we could punt our wedding podcast.
" Claire's out to lunch ", exclaimed the receptionist, " could I be of help ? "
Never one to let a sales lead go cold, I told her that yes, she could be of help and explained who we were and what our wedding podcast was. There was a silence. It was long.
" I'm sorry......I don't understand", she countered, stonewalling my spiel with talk of a PowerPoint presentation they give to prospective wedding clients. My frustration was palpable by this point. After much clamouring for alternative explanations, the penny finally fell into the chasm.
All a very great distance from the way my email to a certain artist liaison company was received. Yes of course they'd like to meet us and naturally they'd like to discuss pod casting. It's what we do.
http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/

E-fail

Sending bank statements to the company accountant. Easy. Or so you would have thought. My pc and I are largely simpatico when it comes to the rudiments of sending. Dear old outlook put in some sterling work when Wonkana sent out its monthly newsletter. By the by, if you could use a copy, dot the i's and cross the t's here and I'll make sure one reaches you.

http://www.wonkanaproductions.com/contactus.php

My expectations of our email were somewhat dented when it came to attaching scanned documents and asking the not entirely unreasonable task of emailing them. Outlook's coping mechanisms looked decidedly battered as I pressed the "send" button and decamped to the kitchen in order to kill the inevitable passage of time. After making some tea, walking the dog (that ones for you, Col!), dismantling the house brick-by-brick, rebuilding it and still having time for a trip to Victorian England in the time machine I'd had time to build, still the antagonistic green bar was only two thirds full. This email wasn't leaving Wonkana Production HQ. Given the complete absence of alacrity by Microsoft, our server and the incorrect alingment of ley lines between here and North Somerset I remained remarkably even handed. No profanities passed these lips. You see it's all part of our mission statement as deft exponents of podcasting; the air is never blue, only green. So in place of the f word, the c word, the w word or any natty combination of all three, I let rip with a litany of calming and eco friendly vocabulary.

"Oh offset carbon footprint" I cried, as a repeated pressing of "send/receive" proved as futile as the last. I even opened up my BT yahoo email, which proved about as useful as a MENSA test in an audience of Jeremy Kyle guests. I'd even consider a conversation with our web/IT guy, but think how he'd feel if I dissected Osbourne's use of pusillanimous and phlegmatic in " Look back in anger " to him using polysyllabic and exotic words. Best if his patois on peripherals and my limited understanding on matters IT retain their separation. Blogging I can do, just don't ask me to send large attachments. And no, that isn't spam speak for free Viagra.

Hanging out to dry

The weekend is a foreign country. I do different things there. Re stringing a rotary clothes line for one. George Benson may believe that children are our future, but I believe even the sharpest minds of the epoch would err and stutter over the intricacies of this puzzling task. What is taut at the beginning of the exercise is flaccid again soon enough (yak yak!). It is a mystery to put even Curie or Fleming to the intellectual sword.
Moving as I do in the most sophisticated of chattering classes, the other part of the weekend was spent raising a canalside glass to a former colleague now in the pay of Avon Fire and Rescue. Now there's an organisation ripe for the podcasting. Engaging with communities and selling the prevention message :
Fire bad, diversity good.
Think of podcasting as the 21st century counterpart of smoke signals. As more of us become eco aware, hug trees and harvest our own superskunk, the message of environmental responsibility makes podcasting the new medium of choice. What better way to underscore the horrors of arson than to hear from a reformed arsonist, intercut with powerful and moving memories from those who have lived to tell the tale.
Dramatic stories recounted in the most eloquent and gritty way. All produced by Wonkana Productions. Of course.
Find the good chaps at http://www.wonkanaproductions.com

I now pronounce you salesman and wife

I've never envied sales people. Whether it's the preposterous facade of the car sales exec who disappears upstairs for 10 minutes "to really try for you....I'm going to get the best price for your car", or the white socks brigade of those high street electrical retailers who accost you before you're barely over the threshold.
Nobody will ever sing " hi diddledy dee, a salesman's life for me ".
As a business in the frugal throes of year one, we can ill afford to lavish good currency on retained sales staff let alone a company car and assorted perks. We need what one businessman called "lovers". Lovers of what we do. Those who've really latched onto podcasting, what it can do for a client and that we always deliver a tip top service. Then when they've done that, signed a particularly girthsome order and concientiously licked our shoes to a high polish, they can have a commission cheque. They can be an odd breed, existing between the shadows of targets and regular one to ones. Ah one to ones - the last refuge of the scumbag. A slow and deliberate applying of the thumbscrews to an otherwise affable individual, who dares to carry a business card adorned with "media sales executive". It might as well say " I interfere with animals".
Now I don't claim to be a salesman, but selling is what you have to do in those early and intoxicating days of a new business. As the venerable Mr Sharkey of the Pokercast declared "you have to be able to take no as an answer."
I honestly wouldn't mind the occasional "no", even something more surly would suffice. Anything rather than message non grata. The email that goes unacknowledged. Those who have heard our stuff want to talk. And well they might! Believe me, I'm not selling useless crap. This perfectly illustrates my point
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rcr4ojLcSM
It's a bit good. And that's only one of our products. Give us a fair shot and we could be mutually beneficial.

A careers job

Credit is a welcome concept, but mercifully this type of credit isn't subject to the forces of oscillating money markets and is unlikely to discombobulate before you can say, err "discombobulate". This is praise. Credit where credit's due. Never mind the crunch, feel the bite.
Yesterday I learned that one humongous - sized organisation who have heard our careers podcast demo expressed their admiration for the concept and its execution.
They're only human.
I say we're on to a winning formula, but this is where I draw a line in the sand and shut my cake hole. Blogs have ears. Careless talk and all that. If Wonkana Productions isn't dominating the world of business podcasts within the next 12 months, I will personally perform a fowl and inappropriate act on a diseased warthog. Working on the basis that it's good to receive, but even better to give ( and I've definitely moved away from the warthog now ) I must heap praise and general largesse on my business partner Colin a.k.a. Aussie Col on the pokercast.
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The careers podcast was ostensibly Col's idea and it's such a work of concise creativity that you'd never know his spirit had so nearly been decimated by 5 years plus of " we love (insert local landmark here) " jingle making with scripts sent to him by those who've clearly had their imaginative faculties surgically removed. Colin certainly knows his stuff. And before you go dashing off to Wikipedia, general largesse was a leading military figure in the Franco Prussian war. (Citation needed)

Some guys have all the luck

No, today's title isn't designed to pay homage to the late exponent of soulful ballads Robert Palmer or leopard print king Rod Stewart ( although with the legsome Penny Lancaster in tow, Rodders has clearly had his fair share of the stuff! ). I'm referring to a chap with one or two aces up his sleeve, along with some other fortuitous cards.
Ladies and Gentleman, Mr Michael Greco.
Yes, the croak-voiced romeo from Eastenders, Beppe di Marco. The Pokercast with Littlewoodspoker.com, the trusted name in gaming, say those in the know has just secured an interview with this cool-handed thesp. Michael is one of a raft of actors who has been lured by the draw (groan) of poker. He's good too. Having been mentored by "Mad" Marty Wilson, Greco went on to appear in the 2005 Poker Million, World Speed Poker Open (that's playing with alacrity, not the illicit substance) and the European Poker Tour in Dublin.
It would seem oppotune at this point to paste in a timely link thus :
http://www.littlewoodspoker.com/poker-lounge/online-poker-podcast
The Pokercast is monthly, free to subscribe to and on top of all things poker. That most assiduous of sports writers, Peter Sharkey along with Aussie Col trains his gaming cross hairs on tournaments, features, poker news, facts, interviews and the odd promotion or two.
Listen out for Michael and how he scooped £100,000 following the climax of the 3rd round of the Grosvenor Poker Tour in Cardiff and why acting is a solid training ground for the art of the false tell. It's a Wonkana production and far be it from us to be immodest, it's rather good.

Home working

It was only when I subjected myself to a segment of the Ken Bruce show on BBC Radio 2 that I stumbled across what can only be described as a pandemic of working-from-home gags. It's a laugh isn't it - that noise you make when you think something's funny.
I shouldn't be so churlish; perhaps Ken and his merry band of listeners have a point. Perhaps the target of their pithy wit is well deserving. Maybe I should take it lying down ( on the comfortable looking and freshly made bed that's so close to my desk - touche ! )
This podcasting lark does mean I spend an inordinate amout of time at my pc. In fact, I feel worse for the dog now than I did when I was 200 miles away and unable to take her out at the drop of a hat. She's only downstairs. In all truth, I'm probably deluding myself that she's comforted and stimulated by my presence only being a flight of stairs away. The reality is far more unforgiving; she wants a walk now!
The Business Plan set by our mentor Harry yesterday is virtually completed. When I say "virtually", I mean in the traditional sense of the word and not that I've been writing it as an avatar in a non existent computer generated world. Good old fashioned slog, that's what's called for. Pen to paper and fingers to keyboard. It's all there - Executive Summary, Marketing Strategy and Proposed next visit to the kettle. Ken Bruce, we salute you!

Back to school

You'd hardly consider Wellingborough to be a hub of trade and high finance. However, this morning's drive to the Innovation Centre turned that rather blinkered view on it's head. The industrious fellows at UCN's Enterprise Club have paired Wonkana with a business mentor.
Harry Brice , who has a hand in both the organisation of Kenyan safaris and security in the construction industry rattled off the merits of the business plan. Temptation ( as I recounted to Harry ) exists at every turn to overlook said plan and to formulate one in your own noggin or scribble nebulous notes on a lumious post-it.
No such slackness here.
Wonkana's been tasked with producing a business plan within a fortnight. That's my homework. In truth, I half expected Harry to shove some A4 under my nose and dictate an essay title containing the words "austerity", "garb" and "Coriolanus". Gladly for me, our mentor won't be uttering the time honoured words "pens down" until two weeks have passed. I finish with a note to self :
Never listen to podcasts you know can't come up to the standards of your own. No good will ever come of it.

Hold the mayo

The tepid morning meeting was followed up with a delegation to the pub. Not to drown our sorrows, but to catch up with a renowned Metro journalist who is set to be the voice of a new Wonkana podcast. As a print journo, she'd spoken fluidly and eloquently on the radio (unlike the majority of alleged presenters) and set me thinking as to her potential for new and innovative podcast possibilities. Before you could say "PCSOs are no more than lost shoppers and an outrageously false economy", my business partner Colin had whipped up a compelling format on a subject close to her writing muse; health. Already armed with experience and nous in food writing, our new podcast presenter carries the ideal credentials to make this new concept work.
Unlike the food at the pub.
The landlord of the hostelry in question is affable enough and on the money when it comes to snappy service.
15 minutes later, the two paninis and curly fries had been despatched to our table before you could say " can I have a VAT receipt, please ". Lucie had already eaten. No doubt her canteen sandwich will be dressed down in a future edition of Metro. That said, it can't have surpassed my "cheese melt" for its sheer back-of-the-throat-clogging quality. The sous chef was clearly a soused chef and had run amok with the mayonnaise. If I had liberated this insipid creation into the street, havoc would have surely ensued from the inevitable mayo slick. Whole armies could have been vanquished with a mere wave of this sesame seed topped aberration and it's reprehensible viscosity. Two words you certainly won't hear together when we launch the health podcast.